Chester Bennington Support Thread - We're here for you

I didn't think suicide right away, just to make it clear. <3
I'm sure people around him picked up on his grief. Even Mike spoke about it.
But I knew chester loved Chris very much. And we all know Chester felt with his whole being. They got extremely close really fast. He was godfather of one of Chris' children. They have had the same struggles with addiction and they held each other above water in that department.

That, and I had this ugly feeling that just wouldn't leave. You know, when someone you care about deeply is hurt or in trouble, you just feel it in your gut. It was that same feeling of worry and "I really hope he's ok" and "Chester is strong, stop thinking like that". Then I thought about Chris yet again. He was on the top of the world. He was in a good place. But yet, he couldn't bear life any longer. I always thought that Chris was the one of the great rock frontmen we got to keep, a success story among all the tragedy in the music world we've seen lately. So when he died, I thought that if he, of all people passed away... It could be anyone. And then I thought of Chester again. I hate myself for it, I have always believed in him, but the thought wouldn't leave my mind.

One of the many reasons for me thinking lik this is because, as I said, many of my family's losses the last five years were sudden and many. We never knew when it would happen, it just kept happening, so therefore we prepared for the worst and loved fiercely. And I just had that same feeling. Life is precious, but so unpredicatble, and tragedy can happen any moment. I know it's depressing to write, I'm sorry, but it's just how I feel, and I couldn't hold it in any longer.

 

I'm feeling so lost and I don't have anyone to talk to or share all those thoughts and questions about Chesters death.
I feel like everyone but me has accepted that he is dead and is trying to move on. But I can't. Everytime I see him or hear him I think about the fact that he hanged himself from a door. Just like that. From one day to another! Every seemed to be fine. He was tweeting, working with mike in the studio spending time with his family and then suddenly he kills himself. WHY?
Everyone is saying that he fought his demons for years and now he lost the battle but I refuse to believe that it's just so easy. In those interview from this year he talked about having problems in 2015. The Band lost someone to cancer whom they worked very long together. He was depressed and drank again. He said that all his relationships didn't work and that he at one point didn't want to be human anymore. But he made it! He went to therapy for his alcohol addiction and the depression. And out of it came the new record. And it all the interviews from this year he was full of life, saying he is in a very good place and has such a lust for life. He was talking excitingly about the future. He seemed to have battled his demons and came out on top. Years ago he said his wife helped him to change, dealing with his addiction and depression and being happy. So how can it be that he did that? I don't get those questions out of my mind.
Some people on youtube say that he could have well planned to kill himself after Cornell's death. Specifically on that last european shows because of the way he was performing Crawling, One more light and then ending it with Leaving Out the rest. They say it looked like he was saying goodbye to his fans because he knew what was about to happen.
That would be so awful because why didn't he think about his wife and kids? I get that he lost a very close friend but that is no excuse to give up and die. He witnessed first hand how everyone close to Cornell suffered and griefed so why did he do the same to his family?
And if it wasn't planned than what happend that day? Theyy came back from touring we have seen him tweeting and stuff. A day before he died he retweeted something. It was reported he just came back from Arizon where he was with his family. So what happend from Wednesday to Thursday? Who was the driver that call 911? A band member was said to pick him up for a shooting so who called that driver to pick who up and drive this person to what place? When did he die? We know when he was found but he could have been dead for ours. What trickerd him to do what he did? What were his thoughts? That he couldn't handle Cornell's death or something else. I refuse to believe that it is just a coinciedence that he died on Chris's birthday. Did he go to sleep and then wake up at I don't know 5 or six and then what? I can't handle it. What made him grabbing a belt and hang himself? You don't do that accidentally. You have to go through the motions. Didn't he for one second while preparing it think about what he is about to do and his family he leaves behind? What has he been doing in his house prior his death? It doesn't make any sense to me that he did that. Even less so when you watch everything from this year prior Chris's death. He has battled worse. In 2015 he suffered öonger and battled through it. And now from on second to another he ends his life. I'm left with asking Why? Why? Why? And how? Am I the only one who is thinking about this all and questioning it? I feel like I am. Everywere I read people accepting his death and that he is now pain free and in a better place and lost the war against his demons. But for me it gets so much deeper. His wife, family and friends must ask themselfes those thinks too. I would if I were his wife. Walking through the house trying to understand what he did there. Going through his phone and browser history. And definitely wondering why there has been a driver been called for a pickup.
I can't deal with him not being here anymore. He was supposed to grow old with his wife. His poor wife. Who lost her soulmate. She too wanted to grow old with him and now she has to live the rest of her live without him. And it wasn't here choice. It was taken from her by his actions. I watch interviews and concerts with him and can't comprehend that he is gone.
How could this happen? Why didn't anyone do soomething? Why didn't he seek help? Now he is dead and won't feel anything anymore - no thoughts-no memories just nothing. But his family has been left behind to suffer. This isn't fair. Without some kind of closure I won't ever get passed this. For me he didn't look at any point like someone who would be able to do this. I can't grasp that Chester would do this....

 

I don't think my mum ever followed any band, she was born poor and had to work really hard to have what she has now. Besides, any parent her age that I know of is different than younger parents: talking about feelings can be sometimes difficult.
And I'm suppose to be an adult in everyone's eyes but that doesn't bother me because I feel
good about myself.

 

All you can do is be you and feel what you feel and talk it out here if you need. (and I agree sometimes parents have trouble talking about some stuff, too)

 

@madridista89 You're not the only one having these kind of thoughts. I was asking myself the same questions and still am in a way. It's still so unreal to me and no, just like you I'm not one of those people who can move on easily. I know it happened and I know all tears of the world can't bring him back but somehow I still can't believe it. Still can't because I don't want to. I want to turn back time to January or February... The fact that death doesn't work like this is freaking me out and making it even heavier.
Yesterday I thought I felt better until I got home late and watched a few short videos of him. Well it then hits me hard and I was like "man that can't be true. no, wake up now and tell us it was just a bad joke...". I was feeling so bad. Even physically and then went to bed. It's that weird ass feeling you get in your stomach and I swear to god I'm having this freaking pain in my heart, I really feel it deep inside and I just don't know when this is finally going to stop. Whenever there are situations like getting something new for out new flat I'm thinking thought like "god this is so stupid. everything is so insignificant...". That whole thing ripped my heart out after it was broken into a million pieces. Now there's this hole left behind and it hurts so fucking much because I just know what I've lost.

 

Yeah and I feel like my tired mind won't find piece until it gets answers. My brain doesn't stop for a moment to ask those questions over and over again wondering how this happened. I can't sleep and just shut my mind off. I can't really watch pictures or videos of him like everyone else does because everytime I see his beautiful face all those questions are flooding my mind. Why has no one any answers? Why is no one talking about it trying to understand it and offer solutions? I know that nothing will bring him back but at least my mind would have some piece. All I see on twitter and on the internet is people remembering an mourning him and I'm like what is the point of everything when he just isn't in this world anymore? How can it be that he did that? It doesn't make any sense and it doesn't seem like him. I'm looking at pictures of him and his wife and just think he hanged himself from a bedroom door with a belt and I break down. I'm so utterly devastated. Nothing makes sense anymore. How could he?

 

I can fully understand you.
Have also become much more emotional.
What I absolutely must learn is to talk about it and not bottle it up.

Me too. Its hard...

 

Well, I am not an expert and I absolutely understand your feelings and your brain and that you are asking yourself these questions. I think all of us do from time to time ask "how dare he" ... but it may help to remind, that depression is actually a disease.


If you die out of cancer, you are not asking either "how could you", right?

If your mental heals is okay of course you are asking "how could you leave your kids alone". But it's different if you are not okay.


If you have physically pain every single day you may reach a point where everything you can think about is that you can't live with this pain anymore. Of course you would love to live especially with your kids and family but you just can't stand that pain anymore and dying seems to be the only way out because everything you think of is "I can't live like that anymore. I can't stand that pain anymore".


If you have depression it’s kind of similar. You think you can't just live like that anymore which is a misjudgement because this disease can be treated. But with depression you don't have this foresight anymore.


I recently read an article (it was german) that was about the death of Chester and that stated “depression is not a question of pulling yourself together”. And that is very true... because it is a disease that still is very hard to understand and we are just at the beginning of understanding this disease...


However, your feelings are very well understandable but this might bring another perspective...

 

Yes I have read about his depression a lot. What I don"t understand why that day? Why so suddenly when everything seemed okay? From one day to another he kills himself. And I'm wondering what happend in those hours he was alone from the 19th to the morning of the 20th? He battled through depression in 2015. for weeks or months he was suffering and wanted to end it but he said himself that he wants to have a happy life so he got help. He saw his therapist regularly. This year he was happy and full of life and hope and had plans. So how can that change in a couple of hours? That's what I can't understand. I just can't accept it.

 

Listening to "Talking to myself".
Very hard to listen, but also nice to hear the voice of Chester ... deep breath.
Feels good to listen to LP. Hope it goes uphill.

 

I've battled with depression for many years, and while I will not speak for anyone (I know everyone's diagnosis is different) there are times where you honestly feel like: "Depression? Pfft, I'm great now!"; you're going to therapy, you're honest about what you're feeling and sometimes you even feel happy. However, recovering from depression is not linear most of the time. It can be unpredictable, and most of the time there is not one specific reason. It can come in waves and in those times of despair you have to work extra hard, not that I doubt Chester did just that.
Whenever I've had a "relapse" like that, I felt so, so frustrated and hopeless because I felt I'd let down the people I love, because they believed in me. Put that on top of the depressive thoughts. Add a tragic death of a dear friend into the mix. That's a dangerous cocktail. That's what so evil about it. It builds your confidence and hopes up, just to tear them down just for the hell of it. It's constant work, and sometimes you feel like a burden. "Why even bother?".

You go out of your way to make other people happy, just to be able to deal with it. To not be that burden.That's perhaps why it can seem so sudden. It literally can happen form one month, week or even day to the next. You become an expert in distracting others from what's going on. Never hiding it, but just hoping it doesn't affect anyone but yourself.

 

I relate to what you say. I know being famous and successful does not just magically make people happy and it must be hard to endure even.

But when you seem to live in a good and supportive environment (family and band members) for such a long time, what makes you take that last step?

 

Hi everyone!

Just wanted to share some pieces of my story with you cause I feel so alone and lost at the moment. I so much need somebody to talk to...
Chester's death leaves me so devastated and I saw everyone here seems to be ready to help each other!
But I also feel ashamed to feel so bad as I read and compare my story with certain painfull posts on this thread :/

I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for more than 10 years now (I'm 24): because of demons who have been following me since my childhood (some problems which made me be me apart from the others).
I refrained all these things, always trying to look well on the outside but feeling shattered on the inside. Photography helped me a lot (exemple on my profile picture).
I started to explain what I'm feeling at a very late stage to a person, a few years ago.... This person wanted to help me feel better in my head but totally destroyed me in the end, letting me down in my pain and showing me that I was a lost case after feeding me with illusions. It's why it's very difficult to me to trust people, and it's with a lot of fear that I'm writing these few words here.

I attempted suicide two years ago but doctors saved me and I had to go to a psychiatric hospital for a month. I went to shrinks and psychologists but due to the bad medication they gave me (and the fact that they knew and protected the person who had betrayed my trust. Because this person was a psychiatrist too and their friend and colleague) it was a failure and nothing changed.

I moved from my home to find a job, erased everything from the past and started again... Tried everything but feel always alone. It's like nobody could save me. My job gives me more anxiety and my personnal life is a totally mess just like me. But I think I deserve that.

All these years the songs of LP holded me. The lyrics Chester wrote (Somewhere I Belong, No Road Left, Breaking the Habit, Nonody 's listening, waiing to the end, Roads Untravelled, Good Goodbye. ..) totaly reflected what is in my mind so I felt understood. I know it's ridiculous I don't know him but I had the sensation he was there all these years and that he felt the same kind of pain as I do (as I always felt this suffering, fear and loneliness in his songs),... and as long as he holded on I had to stay alive too.... It was like a goal.

Now I feel so empty and meaningless...
So sad nobody could saved him...
I wish I could have done something .

 

@madridista89, you're not alone in this. I've asked myself those same questions, every single day. I never blamed him, so I hope this doesn't sound like I did, or selfish, but we just keep asking why. But you know, I've had a depression since highschool, I'm now 26, and it comes in waves. You might seem like you have everything under control, and suddenly the floor is pulled from your feet. Anything can trigger it. For example, I've stepped away many, many times, from situations and things that hurt me so much, and then you start feeling better while you're away from those, and you think it is solved. But then you're confronted again with those same things, and you realize it wasn't solved. Sometimes it's not about "we have dealt with something similar before, so we can get through this again", sometimes what weighs in is the piling up of those same situations you've been able to handle before. That takes work, and it ends up taking its toll on you, phisically and mentally. And while you managed to solve it before, and that can make you stronger, it also weighs in when something similar happen again.
I find some comfort in thinking that it wasn't the Chester we know that took that decision. He let those bad voices take control for a moment, and it was just too much that night, however it might have happened. The Chester we know was happy, bright, strong and loved his life. He had said so in recent interviews. But there was his other side, and that was the side that took that decision, on that moment. I know it's painful, but I would rather think it that way, instead of believing the Chester we know had a weak moment. Just that that night, "the bad guy", like he called it many times, took over.
We won't get answers to these things, and I understand what you mean, because it doesn't let me find peace myself. The thing I do struggle with the most is re-watching his last performances and I do see him sadder than the rest of the tour. But I don't wanna think that he had already made that decision. I think that One More Light was just incredibly hard to perform, because it kept reminding him of Chris. It was hard to come to terms with it. He was on tour, he got some good distractions, so maybe he hadn't processed it yet. I believe he only did when the tour finished, and unfortunately it took its toll on him.
I hope this somehow helps you understand a bit :') In no way I'm trying to say I knew what was going on in his head, but I think about it from my perspective as well, having a depression for such a long time.

 

Warm-hearted welcome
First thank you for telling us your story. You do not have to be ashamed. We help each other here and no one should feel marginalized. This makes the LP-Community so unique.

 

@janni Thank you. This is very insightful. I don't have anyone else to talk about this. This is the first time since that tragic day that I talked about it. I keep botteling it up inside me and it kills me. I didn't find any Forums where his death and it's circumstances are talked about. So I feel utterly alone and devastated.

 

Hi my friends
I went to this memorial today and I have to thank you cause who knows - maybe I'd have gone if you didn't tell me that it's better to go. Somehow I managed it without crying but I totally broke down afterwards. I'm still crying but I'm pretty sure it was necessary to go. I brought him 2 angels, a candle and a three-page letter.

 

I'm glad you went. I know how hard this has been on you, and....I'm just really glad you went. I hope this gives you peace in your heart and some closure.

 

I think I'm going to have to take a break from the LPA

"The reminders pull the floor from your feet"

I have this site open 24/7 on my laptop and all it does is remind me how much this hurts. When I'm out and about doing other things, my mind gets distracted. Seeing the family that was built here just brings me crashing back down as it shows me how monumental this whole situation is. I genuinely don't have the belief that I'll be able to move on if I surround myself with Chester reminders constantly.

I hope that everyone else in this thread eventually finds the peace and happiness that they are seeking, and just remember I love you all and you deserve to be happy. I just feel I have to find my own peace elsewhere.

 

It's understandable that you need a break.....it's very hard emotionally already, and then seeing other people's grief can make it 100 times harder. Give yourself time to breathe, we'll be here if/when you decide to come back to us.