Where Were You?

I was in Italy on vacation. I was exhausted after a long day and I decided to take a nap. Before I would fall asleep I heard my phone. It was a notification about the Talking To Myself video. I've watched the video, and it made me smile since I could notice the band being very happy and at their peak. So I returned to my bed.

When I woke up, my life changed completely. Every time I wake up after my nap I usually check messages and social media.

There was a message of a friend telling me that Chester was dead. At first, I thought it was a joke since he is always messing. But when I saw the news on here, I broke down.

 

I had just sat down at home after an opening shift at work. I got the notification about the music video for Talking To Myself and then I saw the TMZ article. At first I thought it was another hoax. I stayed glued to my computer screen until the second Mike posted his tweet. Then I lost it. I immediately texted my boyfriend and he pretty much ran to my house after work. He held me as I cried for what seemed like forever. I was inundated with messages from friends asking me if I was alright. I ended up turning my phone off all weekend because I just couldn't deal with it. I still don't know how to deal with it. I've dealt with deaths before - family, friends - but honestly, nothing has even come close to impacting me like this.

 

Yeah, so, I had to move back in with my parents a year ago to actually stay sober and get my life back on track. I work night shift at a car factory in town, so I was about to leave for work. I was petting all of my dogs, about to leave. The words, "Bye, I love you" were literally coming out of my mouth when my mother randomly told me, "Did you hear about that guy from Linkin Park? Chester something? He killed himself."

I didn't believe it. In Trump's America, there's fake news on both sides of the aisle and in between, so I just chalked it up to one of those hoax posts older folks fall for on Facebook, y'know? So, I got to work, did my thing for about 2-3 hours, and finally sat down for a cigarette break. I pulled out my phone, logged onto Reddit, and one of the top stories (like, 3rd or 4th at least, if not higher) was "Chester Bennington of Linkin Park dead of apparent suicide".

Goddamnit. And the news wasn't from some bogus website I've never heard of. I believe it was the Washington Post or something. That's when it really started to sink in. My first thought was, not knowing his personal situation and how many kids and whatnot he had, was how people on LPA are doing and if everyone is okay. I grew up with Linkin Park like all of you, but I also grew up with the LPA too, so naturally someone like Derek was in my thoughts at that time, as weird as it may seem.

 

I was at work filming a product video for a car. While looking for the next location we turned on XM Radios New York channel I guess.

The came back from a song and the announcer is like "We have some very shocking, but sad news. I don't even know how to say it..." and I look over at my friend and go "Oh great what couple broke up now.." and right when I end the DJ says "...Chester Bennington of Linkin Park has taken his own life."

You know how old VHS tapes could go skewed for a second? I felt like my body did that. So in a flash I pull out my phone to get ready to google the hoax, this HAD to be a hoax right? But I lift my phone and as the screen lights up I see 14 texts and like 5 missed calls. It felt like my body melted. I wanted to be at a computer, I wanted to talk to my fellow LP fans, something. Yet, I had to do my job. It was so freaking hard because I was still uncertain of if what I heard was reality.

I lost my grandma in September, I lost my Dad in March, I held it together for both of those I'm typically not a sad person and can lift myself up and find light in a situation. The hurt was bad for both, but when I got back to work and sat down and reality hit as I read all these messages on LPA, LPLive, Shinoda's Twitter, and so on. Tears started streaming down my face at work. Luckily I had the office to myself, because I was a little embarrassed. All the emotion from this year just kind of finally came out all at once.

 

I've said it elsewhere, but I had just got back from saying goodbye to my granddad, who passed away the week before. He was very special to me, and driving home listening to OML had helped bring a bit of relief.

To then get the message that Chester had committed suicide literally less then an hour after getting back on what was already one of the worst days of my life, made things seem surreal. It was like a nightmare.

 

Played my favorite video game, APB, with friends. And I noticed one person on district chat among many other people talking said, "chester bennington suicided", and I knew immediately that it couldn't be a joke because why would someone joke about it in the first place. There wouldn't be a reason to troll about it. And I literally leaned towards my computer monitor and said out loud alone in my room, "what chester is dead??? what??... wait what??" Immediately went to news and these forums. I stayed up for several more hours after staying up all night. I stayed up till 4 pm that day. It really messed up my sleeping schedule.

 

It was Friday morning which was night in US time when I woke up and looked at my phone, a High school batch mate PM me in FB about an idol of mine committed suicide. He didn't place a name so I was like prolly a hoax or some sort of a joke. When I was reading that message, there's one thing registered on my mind and that was Linkin Park because I was known an LP fan in High school. I was even bullied because of it but I shrug off the idea because y'know the idea of it was like so unlikely to happen so I went to Instagram and that's where I saw Chester's face on a post from a local celebrity here in Philippines. Initial reaction? I was like wtf like seriously and then crying and mentally disconnected from my body. It was just surreal.

 

I was on my computer loading up files to work on a Nobody Can Save Me remix. My girlfriend's sister walked into the room and asked if I had heard that Chester died. I didn't believe it at first. I went to LPLive and LPAssociation and didn't immediately see anything. The next place I checked was Mike's twitter which confirmed the worst and just started crying.

 

I was exercising and checked lpa out of boredom. Someone mentioned a rumor of Chester committing suicide. I didn't believe it at first. Everyone was panicking. I tried to calm everyone down. It was barely like two hours into it that it was confirmed to be true.

Truly horrific day

 

I was at the computer working on a blog post, about OML, in between chatting with my bff on facebook about an upcoming trip. As I was sitting here, the phone rang and it was my bff and when the phone rang and I saw it was her i just KNEW something was wrong....when she told me I kept going "it has to be hoax it HAS to be a hoax" but even as I pulled up TMZ, and google to check, I just felt it in my bones that it wasn't. I started shaking so hard I could hardly move, I forced myself to my feet because I had to wake up my husband and tell him......as I was forcing my feet to move down the hall, I passed my 6 year old and he saw me shaking and said "mommy what's wrong?" all I could choke out was "everyone is in our family okay buddy" as I pretty much propelled myself into my bedroom. I shut the door behind me and started bawling as I said my husband's name. He was like "wtf happened" and all I could do was choke out Chester's name and TMZ.....after he read the article and we checked about a billion different sources we had to go tell our 12 and 6 year old who have grown up on it. My oldest kept asking why and I didn't know what to tell him because I hadn't even had time to process t.

 

I was livestreaming a videogame.
People know I'm a huge fan of Linkin Park.
One person started saying stuff about it and I didn't believe it. Was with a friend so we were like okay you stupid troller.

Then a mod came into the chat and said it was true. My stomach turned instantly. Saw the LP & Chester twitter feed and it was unreadable. it went THAT quick.

 

I got a text with a link to a Swedish newspaper from my brother. I thought he was joking with me but then I checked another chat. I was stunned. My parents were visiting and we had just had dinner. I just froze in the doorway to the kitchen and said "no no no". I went to sit down on the couch in the living room. I had to be alone. I couldn't believe it. I was just numb. Then Mike confirmed our fears on twitter and I started hysterically crying...

 

I also thought it was a hoax.
I was still in bed that morning opened Reddit and saw it. Couldn't believe it, still can't believe it.

 

I was on my lunch break at work, and I always look at Reddit while on lunch. The very first thing was about Chester's death. To be honest, I still don't think the fact that he's gone has really sank in yet. :'(

 

I was watchin the telly with my dad, when I tried to get on LPA on my phone. I had this weird feeling since the site was down, but worked just fine an hour before. When I finally managed to log in, I saw the news thread preview on the side. I could only read “Linkin Park's Chester Bennington d...“ My heart skipped a beat. I froze. Could it be true? Is this what I think this is. I clicked on the thread, started reading and suddenly the world came crushing down on me. I teared up a little bit. I had to leave the room and lie down on my bed. I cried for minutes straight. I read the comments and tears started rolling down again. I couldn't sleep that night. I still can't believe it. I'm still trying to cope with it. Everyday I wake up in the morning thinking about him. It's hard to believe your childhood hero, your role-model is gone. Forever. But reading all those positive encouring comments everywhere, especially here on LPA, helps a lot. It's like one big family that now grew together even tighter. I sometimes hated the LP fanbase (especially during the OML album phase) for some of its rude comments, hating on everything new. Never to be pleased. Stuck in the past. I thought the LP fan base was a particularly difficult one. But now I'm proud. Proud to be part of it. It seems even the same old haters start being positive for once (save a few a-holes) Let's see what the future brings. No matter what the band decides to do. We'll be with them. I'm gonna be with them. It'll take some time to overcome the grief, but still. It gets better. I'm sure.

 

Was at my girlfriend's house spending time with her until a friend from university messaged me asking if I'd heard the news and she told me Chester was dead. First post I saw was from TMZ and given TMZ's reputation, I brushed it off. Then the story turned up in the Daily Mail and the Daily Mirror along with other sites and it turned from "lol TMZ being sensational" to "shit, this is real". Stings even more because if the attack in Manchester hadn't have happened or we'd rearranged to go to Birmingham or London earlier, we'd have seen them one last time before Chester died...

 

I was working. My husband texted and asked me if I had been on fb. I told him no and he told me a Chester Bennington had committed suicide. I figured it was a hoax so I checked my Twitter and saw Mike Shinoba's Tweet about it being true. I had to lock myself in the bathroom hyperventilating and then pretend I was ok the rest of the day because I work with little kids.

 

I was at work and a girl I went to high school with called me. I picked up, even though I'm forbidden to use my phone at work, and she just asked me "are you at work?", I said "yes" and she said "alright, I'll call you later". Saw she had texted me a picture and a bunch of crying emojis, so I opened the chat and saw a screenshot of a Lad Bible post saying RIP Chester. Brushed it off like "fuck this hoaxes". Went to our LPA Whatsapp group and saw everyone thought it was real, still didn't believe it. Half an hour later Mike's tweet came, and I felt as if someone had cut my legs off, but I couldn't really react or think about it cause I was still at work.

Got home from work about three hours later, was breathy from the bike ride home, my mom asked me how I was and I said "I'm alright". At that moment I fucking broke down. I was in my home and I felt safe to bawl my eyes out, and I did exactly that. I knew a close friend had just died. I could barely breathe from the bike ride home and sobbing combination. I remember asking my dad if he had hung himself, because I didn't know any details. He told me yes and I just felt 10 times worse. It is a brutal, heartbreaking end to a story that I loved so much for the past 10 years. That's more than half of my life at the time I'm writing this. I had a long talk about life and death with my dad that night, and I learned a lot about depression, which my dad thankfully successfully overcame, and it helped me to better understand what had just happened.

Through the next few days several people have literally expressed their condolances to me. It was the first time I realized Linkin Park and the core fanbase are literally family. You don't express condolances to the strangers, you give them to the family.

I still think about Chester every day, though for now I can't listen to his songs as I fear it would shatter me again.

I love our brother. One day we will meet.

 

I was at work when it happened. I couldn't find out until I got home that night, because I work in a factory where you only get 10 minute breaks every two hours and you can't have your phones with you in the factory. I got home at around 8:30, took a shower, turned on my phone, logged on to Facebook, and the first thing that showed up on my feed was a friend saying that Linkin Park was the first rock band they got into and rest in peace Chester Bennington. I saw that, and I was like "What? What?? NOOOO!" When I checked to confirm that it was true, I immediately burst into tears. My role model and musical hero was gone. Then I took out all my Linkin Park, Grey Daze, and Dead By Sunrise albums, laid them out on my bed, took a picture, and uploaded it to Facebook with this message:

My mother came home and walked in my room to find me crying with my head on the table, and I explained to her what happened and how much of an inspiration Chester Bennington was to me. I listened to Chester's performances with Chris Cornell, STP, Motley Crue, and Dead By Sunrise all night with only a few hours of sleep, while I had to wake up to go to work at 9:00. Before I left, I listened to his full performance of Hallelujah and just broke down crying when it ended. I was so torn apart how much pain was in his voice. Since my shift started early, I was expecting to get home early to find out more information and talk with you guys and the guys at LPLive, but someone didn't show up to work and I was kept there until 8:15. I was so fucking pissed off that my number one musical influence had died and I didn't have any time when I got home to grieve, because I get to get up early again the next day for another long shift where I came home very late.

Finally, I had Sunday off and spent the entire day listening to Linkin Park and Chester's other projects, reading articles and comments on Chester, seeing other artists pay tributes to Chester, and crying some more. That afternoon I went for an eleven mile run with my entire workout playlist consisting of Linkin Park. The first half of my workout, I listened to Hybrid Theory in full (which really took me back to High School days when I would come home from school, jump on the treadmill, and blast Hybrid Theory as loud as possible in the DVD player), then for the second half I played a couple tracks from the other albums, then finished my run with A Line In The Sand where took off like a rocket and ran like I was on fucking fire. Then I cooled down to Roads Untraveled. It felt nice to finally have some time alone to say goodbye to Chester by spending the entire day jamming to his incredible music.

I will never forget everything he did to inspire me over the years and his story will live on forever with me.