Dunno

Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by ahamLP, Apr 20, 2005.

  1. #1
    ahamLP

    ahamLP Well-Known Member

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    please read and post ur comments as to what you felt reading this whatever it is,here we go:


    Dunno


    What do you have to hide ?
    when everybody knows you've lied
    you've taken everyone on a ride
    and it's betrayal from your side


    Only God knows what made you so
    doing things which make your head low
    remember you reap what you sow
    so better sow what you know


    First tell me why so much hate
    when you know you are your fate
    know that it's never too late
    all it depends on is whats your mind's state


    Only God can make you to feel good
    You gave up doing even though you could
    Hate is what you were fed as your food
    Now if I wanna help you I dunno how I should
     
  2. #2
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    another great one, although
    seems familiare *cough* points of authority *cough* *cough*.

    LOL.

    anyway, other than that it is quite good. the line
    feels out of place to me, not your best i don't thing but if you fix some things up it has potencial. i like the feel and the message good stuff.
     
  3. #3
    fallenangel

    fallenangel Well-Known Member

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    yeah, i thought this was alright.

    i thought this bit was really good!
     
  4. #4
    jester

    jester Member

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    i dont know what to say really, part of me thinks its really good, and another part of me thinks it needs a little work

    "Now if I wanna help you I dunno how I should" - this seems a little out of place.

    every other part of the poem seems to ryhme with itself apart from the above part.

    other than that its pretty good, especially the start.

    keep writing

    :teehee:
     
  5. #5
    Amanda

    Amanda RIP Chester LPA Super VIP

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    Rhyming isn't eveything you know. ;)

    It seems to me that you try WAY too hard to rhyme your entire poem and it really takes away from your writing. Personally, I don't think this is that good...

    </my critical opinion>
     
  6. #6
    LP_Freak_2735

    LP_Freak_2735 Well-Known Member

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    I agree with the others.
    It's not the best but with some fixing up it could be fine and dandy.

    <3
     
  7. #7
    ahamLP

    ahamLP Well-Known Member

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    Well,I dont think I have taken that from Points of Authority,cause its something that has existed from quite long time,you have heard a term called Karma,its based on that,so even LP have been inspired from it so you got it wrong, its something that existed long before,and jester I would like to know a little more on what is wrong with that line,cause I didnt find anything wrong in that line,anyways thanx to all for your valuable comments.
     

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