Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

I think I can finally say that I am not afraid to die.

 

He loves me =D


My Prince <3.

 

Ha that's so cool.

 

Damn. My fiance wasn't replying to my texts and then finally he sent me a text saying he was packing and he got kicked out and he couldn't answer my texts because he was afraid for his life to be doing anything but packing and i don't know wtf happened. And then someone went and suggested maybe he cheated on me because sex is the hot button for his mother and stepdad and he hasn't been with me in a month and they found out about that a couple of weeks ago and told him any more fuck-ups and he was gone. So now I'm all worried and I haven't heard from him and I tried to get in touch with his sis to see if she knows what's going on but I haven't been able to get in touch with her. It's been two hours and no word.

And he doesn't have anywhere to go his sister is miles away from him in Austin and his dad is verrry far away in Abilene and he just now started paying his own car insurance and gas money and he's working two jobs, much less can he get a fucking apartment.

And all this after he wanted to move out and get his own apartment here in SA but they forbid him and told him if he moved out they wouldn't pay for his college then they turn around and force him out.

 

I hate feeling so insecure. I was feeling so much better about the whole situation with Josh after our fight. I saw him yesterday, which was amazing, I missed him so much. We got to his house, and were in his room, and on the floor at the foot of his bed were a pair of female flip flops, a sock, and a necklace. I didn't say anything. Sure, they just had a party with a fuckload of people there, but...Christ. *headdesk*

There's those stupid little things that make me panic, and then he's talking to me about our future and about what we want to name our children and where we want to live and how we're going to go get promise rings for our one year anniversary in a few days. I know he loves me, and I love him with all of my heart, without him I really don't know what I would do. I sometimes worry that I'm not good enough, that I should be older, more experienced, and that I need to be overall better. He tells me that I'm beautiful and that I'm everything he ever wanted and that I'm the only good thing going on in his life right now, and then I see bullshit like some girls flip flops in his bedroom and I don't know what to fucking think. Is he cheating on me? Or am I looking too far into things? And if he is, then he's lying to me? I can't fucking stand this. I want to believe his every word, and I do trust him, but what am I supposed to think when I see things like that?

I love him with all of my heart. Why am I getting these goddamn mixed messages?

 

Arlene, I'm sure Josh really loves you, and he'd never do that to you. He's so lucky to have a girl like you, and if he cheated on you, he's pretty much throwing away something amazingly awesome.

Just breathe, and remember that you love him, and he loves you.

 

My school results will come out tomorrow... I'm so stressed...

 

I dont wanna go to work. I dont like newbies taking away what I do when I've been doing it for a year ugh. I want to move out. I hate paying my parents rent when I still have a curfew of 1am at the age of 19. How fucking lame.

 

QFT. Relax love.

 

Sigh.

 

What happened?

 

Just feeling a little left out.
Perfomance night at school tomorrow, all of my friends are playing in various bands.
My band got rejected in the audition though. Our rhythm guitarist was apparently the cause, but yeah, I'm not performing, and as all my mates are, I've got no one to go watch with.

Nothing terrible

 

Well atleast the next time you are on stage you can count them to cheer you on eh?

 

Ha, if their is a next time. I'm not quite on their level talent wise, so I never play with them.
This was the first time I've auditioned. Kinda sucks cos I knew I played and sang to the best of my ability.

 

I kinda know how you feel man..I SUCK at singing So I only do it at home these days, And I feel my guitar skill is lacking BADLY. I just cant learn that fast anymore. I see all my friends getting better than me with their instruments and what not. And then I say to myself "whatever I Do musically, I am doing it because It makes ME feel good inside, Not to show what I know, So when I play easy as shit songs. The only thing that matters it they mean something to me"

 

I feel that way a lot of the time, and I believe my singing is passable.
But yeah, one of my mates is in the Conservatorium of Music for his ability with a guitar, and I can't help but compare myself to him, y'know?

But thanks

 

Thanks Iain and Aisha. I just really need to trust him.

 

I'd scream at the walls, but after working the last 36 of 72 hours, I'm just too exhausted.

Arlene, if you want to talk, you know where to find me.

 

My results were kinda bad.

 

don't worry, i'm sure you are going to improve!


start of rant

how come she doesn't have myspace or facebook

the hottest and prettiest girl in the world, and i can't fucking find her anywhere

this shit is insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't want to wait till august

fuck fuck fuck

i can't take it

end of rant