HOW TO POO AT WORK: We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace. WATERMELON: A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELETTE: A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.
Speaking of bathroom etiquette in the workplace, no one I work with knows urinal etiquette. If there are 3 urinals, and the one on the far left or far right is occupied, you do not take the middle one. You take the one on the other end that is unoccupied. If both the far left and far right ones are occupied, you use a stall. If none are occupied, you take one of them on the end so someone else can come in and take the one on the other end. It's that simple. The middle one should never be used unless both of the end urinals are occupied, and all stalls are occupied, or the only unoccupied stall has something so unholy and ungodly sitting in the toilet that you need a Hazmat suit to go in there and flush it. The middle urinal is an absolute last resort urinal.
Not only that, after urinating in the urinal...you should ALWAYS flush it to open it up for the next person. DO NOT LEAVE THE URINAL UN-FLUSHED SO THAT THE NEXT PERSON HAS TO DO IT FOR YOU. I swear everyday, I have 3 urinals un-flushed. It's disgusting and it's ridiculous.
Another rule is that FIREFIGHTERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO PEE IN THE FUCKING AMBULANCE...those things are for people with incontinence for fucksakes.
My school has a handful of smallish bathrooms that only have two open urinals apiece, no dividers whatsoever. One day, I'm standing at one of the urinals doing my business when some dude walks in. He doesn't use the sink, just stands there. I can't see him because he's behind me, but I can feel him just . . . standing there. This goes on for a good thirty seconds (I drank a lot of water that day, heh) before I realize he's waiting for me to finish up so he could use one of the urinals. Now, I realize most guys are uncomfortable with the idea of pissing that close to another man without some sort of separator, but standing behind me while I take an admittedly long piss is even more uncomfortable. The more I thought about it, the more it pissed me off. Don't flatter yourself, Mr. Picky Pisser -- I do not want to stare at your wang.