So yeah, we just broke up this morning. Reason: there is no future for us together. We both love each other but, rationally thinking, neither of us see us working in the long run. So we decided to end ties. She's been crying her eyes out since morning and I've been feeling like shit too. We decided that we'd still stay in touch, talk etc. Is this a good idea? Do we keep talking now or take a bit of a break and then reconnect (as friends)? I think a big part of her would want to get back together again the moment I speak the words... but I know that would drag us down another mess. And it's probably because emotions are still running high. Worst part is that both of us feel very deeply about each other and it sucks that due to certain situations we wouldn't work in the long run. Any advice from you guys will be highly appreciated
It's very difficult for many to just flip that switch and go from together to friends. Often things start off cordially, but with the passing of time the other person becomes a reminder of rejection/negativity and resentment grows. But you know what, we're all built differently. So who knows how that could work out. I don't know your guys' dynamic. I'm not really sure what advice to give. Perhaps you could try to ween yourselves off the boyfriend-y/girlfriend-y talk (the customary good mornings, the goodnights, the check-ins, etc) and talk to her as if she were just one of your guy friends you text randomly here and there. In my experience (friends included), rarely does a broken-up couple go back to being good friends. I'd give it a 10% success rate. It takes two very mature people to get over that.
Here's my advice: If you both have been together a long time, I'd advise taking a bit of a break from communicating with each other. I've found in my experience and in those of my friends, time and time again, that a friendship after a lengthy relationship can actually do more bad than good in the long run. Making such an immediate transition from some level of emotional and even physical intimacy to a cordial, plainly platonic friendship is incredibly difficult and just does not sit well with your mind and your heart. Both of you will need to learn what life can be like without each other before you can both move on and be happy with yourselves. This isn't to say that you will abandon each other - but it will require the willingness to say, "Let's sit this out and spend time with our friends - and when we're both ready, we can be friends." It is likely the best thing you can do. And how long that will take is uncertain - for some people, a few weeks or a month does the trick. For others (myself in my experience), it can take a couple of years - especially when the relationship ended when you didn't want it to. From what you say, it sounds like this was mutual - so this will help to minimize how much time you'll probably need to spend apart. But please, give yourselves time. I've seen potentially good cordial friendships fall apart because people want to be friends, and that is just too hard on your heart after a relationship. Especially at this point, separate yourselves. You are both emotionally charged and as such your capacity to make rational decisions is limited. Give yourselves time to calm down before you make any decisions - you'll be glad you did.
Thanks guys. I don't think I got it across that well in my post... we are not really looking to jump from relationship to platonic friendship like that. She just can't come to terms with the idea that we will completely cut communication like that. I guess that's why she's been calling me today. And we've been talking too, about random things.. just tiptoeing around relationship/breakup-y talk. I think she knows deep down she knows that there is nothing left to salvage from this anymore. But despite all that, me just being there is still comforting to her. I never broke up with anyone before so I don't know if there's supposed to be a transition into being single or does it just come to a sudden stop where you cut all communication with the person.
Well there are a lot of variables involved, including family, monetary issues, getting higher education etc. It's a lot to get into specifics. Let's just say that we've looked into every option but nothing seems to be adding up. We just finished talking on Skype and she still can't come to terms with the idea and wants me to be there for her. But I explained to her the best I could that it would only lead to more complication. Better to cut it off now and let the healing process begin instead of lingering what's kind of inevitable. It took a lot out of me mentally to finally tell her that we should at least take a break for three to four weeks at least. But she keeps going back and forth on it.
good luck man, sounds like you both made the right decision, yeah it hurts like a mother fucker but it'll pass eventually.
Thanks dude So after a lot of talking and reasoning we finally decided that suddenly cutting all connection is not gonna work for us. So we decided to somewhat stick together but slowly make the transition into being friends.
Was there some unhealthy behavior going on that caused this "no future together" thinking or what's the deal here? It's too vague. Are you going to be moving away from each other? As a general rule, if you both still enjoy one another's company and have a healthy relationship, whether or not you have a future together shouldn't be the main concern. I think life is about spending time with people you love. Is it a waste of time to have fun with someone who loves you just because you won't end up dying side by side? You will both grow as human beings and will be stronger people when the relationship finally has to end. I'm usually the first one to say there's plenty of fish in the sea, but as long as it's a healthy relationship I'd keep living it up as long as you can. But it seems like you think there will be something that will lead to an unhealthy relationship, so your judgment is probably very good to end things before it becomes a drain on both of you. As for becoming friends, I haven't had the best luck. In college, me and this girl were friends for a few weeks and then tried dating for only about a month before she was started taking things way too seriously and creeping me out. So I broke up with her and stayed kind of good friends with her for a few years. Then randomly we started becoming really good friends and talking a lot and flirting. One thing lead to another and we went on a couple month sex binge before things got ugly and we haven't spoken to each other for 3 years now. Then I have other ex-girlfriends who I can only manage talking to about a few times a year to barely maintain a friendship. There's a fine balance between being too good of friends where your feelings start to resurface and being too protective of that and almost being nonexistent friends. For me, I don't think it's possible to be good friends after a relationship. Not like either party really wants. It seems to always lead down one severe end of the spectrum, whether that's love or hate, or love and then hate. But it usually ends up at hate.
I'm going through pretty much the same thing. I was with someone for 8 years. I married her eventually and I ended up catching her with someone in bed. I thought I would never fall in love again. But I did end up falling in love. This girl was great and then she started distancing her self from me. She said it was because she needed to work on her self. She started hanging out with her ex (whom is a female) and made the excuse because she is a female it shouldn't effect my feelings..... Yeah, an ex is an ex. Anyways, where I am going with this story... We have been trying to communicate both my ex wife and my last ex (the one with the ex gf) and it hasn't work out that well. I dont fight with my ex wife (dispite her cheating she's a great person) but I do fight with my other ex. There's just too much of a past between both. Giving my all to someone and then they destroy everything I've built makes it hard to further any kind of relationship whether it be intimate or not. I believe in rare cases people whom share a past can continue a platonic relationship. I tried and it doesn't work. Emotions tend to run high. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. I wish you the best.
I'm curious about this as well. Even if it involved someone moving away if the love is there why break up? I never understood that.