Discussion in 'Chester Bennington' started by Kevin, Jul 24, 2017.
I've just come home from the appointment with my psychologist, I never cried and sobbed so much... But it helped a bit to talk :')
I've been worried about something else too, I feel invisible most of the times, left aside... Not by you guys or anything, but I've been trying to talk to 2 friends of mine, to see how they are with all of this, and I just see them answering everyone but keep ignoring my messages... I don't understand what I might have done... I see everyone united in this, but then feel so bad when I don't feel that unity with my own friends... Sorry if this is selfish. I wouldn't be feeling too bad if I didn't see them answering everyone else and being united with everyone in this situation, but me...
I was scared of sharing this, don't wanna sound like I'm whining when this is such a serious situation. But it's exactly cause I know they're grieving, but loving the unity they are feeling from everyone else, that I don't understand why they've been ignoring me for days...
I'm sorry you're going through this. I am very much feeling the same way. In my case, I'm the one that BROKE the news to everyone. I flat out said I was on the verge of losing it and yet I see everyone checking on everyone else, and not on me to see how I'M holding up and it's hard. Just remember we're ALWAYS here for you.
Well done for talking to your psychologist. Maybe yiur friends feel that they don't want to make things worse for you as they have noticed your struggling at the moment. I'm happy to listen and talk though if it helps xx
I'm so sorry you're going through it as well But thank you so much, that means a lot. We're always here for you as well, and I'm so glad I gained the courage to post here the first time. You guys have been amazing to me <3
It could be, but they're fans of the band as well and they're hurting, I was just trying to check on them :/ I hope they'll eventually answer :') And thank you so much, that means a lot <3
This didn't post properly......just so you know.
It really helps, doesn't it?
It does, so much <3
I'm really glad you feel that way, you're welcome! I do hope you find some consolation in this forum. I guess we're all trying to make some sort of sense in all of this chaos in our own ways, and I love that so many people are sharing their personal experiences. It makes me feel less alone and I can only hope it does the same for you! For me, talking openly and facing this head on along with others, makes the grief all the more real and tangible and therefore (hopefully) easier to deal with.
The worst thing anyone can do is bottling emotions up, especially when the grief it's still so fresh. Talking helps, even though it can be painful.
A loss never gets easy - but it does easier. We're all here for each other!
Just for you to know fam, I'll get a day off today ok? That doesn't mean I'm out of this thread and I'm still here for everyone if you need to talk or chat bout something. I'll come back tomorrow. Just feel like I need a day not being 24/7 reading and rereading. Love x
Take it easy and come back when you're ready
Can I do long posts on here? Let me know if it isn't okay, and I'll take this down. I felt like I needed to write down a lot of things.
I may be fluent in English/speak in an American accent, but English isn't my native language. I wasn't comfortable speaking English until I was about 4 or 5, and didn't hear my first English music (that weren't nursery rhymes) until I was 6- that was Hybrid Theory, back in 2000. In the End was the first music video I ever saw. We moved a lot when I was younger, and I've always been a socially awkward, geeky tomboy with very different tastes in just about everything. Linkin Park got me through moving countries, through being bullied for being different, through being humiliated and abandoned by 'friends' because "you're supposed to be the joker of the group, stop being sad you're bringing everyone down", through my loneliness, through my depression, my self-harm, my suicide- none of which I ever spoke about with anyone because I was ashamed. LP got me through my best friend's death, and got me out of my emotionally abusive relationship. LP helped me regain my self-confidence to the point where I'm no longer ashamed of liking what I like, I don't get upset when people are awful to me. Their music encouraged me to open up to my best friend and my therapist. When I told my family, it didn't go down well and I tried to run away from home, but their music helped me calm down and move past it.
Linkin Park introduced me to the genres I love today. Those who know me know that music is honest-to-God in my soul, I cannot live without it. I absolutely adored all of them- Chester, Mike, Brad, Rob, Joe, & Dave- looking up especially to Chester because I felt like I could relate to him the most. It was my lifelong dream to see them live, and tell them how much I loved them. In fact, the day it happened, I had their tour dates open on a tab in my browser. For 10 days I went around with this weird feeling in my chest, listening to LP on repeat. I guess it all just burst today while listening to One More Light- the lyrics broke me. I must have sobbed for at least two hours: my idol for 17 years of my 23-year life is gone. I think that for the past week, I was still in some level of denial, and only completely accepted it today.
I've asked for professional help, but I think my parents forgot. I've said this so many times- they're not bad people, they love me, but in my culture mental health is a taboo topic. They don't understand it. When I told them about my attempted suicide, they yelled at me and called me a worthless coward. We never did resolve that, and I don't ever want to bring it up again. I can't go on like this, but I can't ask for help. This just seems like the best place to go for now, until I move away from home next year and hopefully get some help.
In the meantime, I'm visiting Prague next week and going to see the church where Numb was filmed. I'm going to take a photo of Chester, and some flowers and candles, and leave them there. I'm not religious, but considering what Numb means to me I found it to be an appropriate tribute. I think that would make me feel better, too. I'm not completely sure what the point of this was and I'm sorry it's so long, but sharing it feels like a little bit of the darkness that took hold of me 10 days ago has dissipated. Maybe one day I'll be as brave as Chester was, and talk about my experiences off anonymous.
Good idea Lynn. I think about a break a
Then struggling to. Maybe i should bite the bullet and do it
You have done well to talk here. Really supportive group. I hear you when you say people tell you that you are selfish and a coward. YOU ARE NOT. it is hard when it feels like people aren't listening but we are. We get it, many of us have been there too.
I have realised that his physical being is no longer with us but he is still with us in his music and the images we have of him. This has allowed me to say goodbye and wish him well in whatever he is doing now. I no longer ask why or hate him now and am at peace with it all.
Thank you very much @darkviruz for your kind answer and for letting me feel more surrounded. It goes straight to my heart.
I feel so alone these days and it seems like I am the only one affected by this loss here in my town.
I just wanted to end it all definitly before I came to this forum to find a little light here....
Everyday it hurts me harder and feels just like I fought my pain for nothing.
The hardest part now is find a reason to live and continue to hold on. I might seem selfish but this death is a new hit to me and I'm afraid this time it's too much and I just can't stand it anymore. If even Chester who seemed so strong (much stronger than me! And everyone makes me feel like I am so weak and inapte) gave up the fight, how and why should I go on?
Because we are here for you and you ending your life is the last thing he or the band want
Thank you for these kind words and being here! I know they don't want that, it's why I will try to go on even though it's so hard for the moment.
But it helps me to come and talk here!
You're very welcome
Everyone has the right to talk about his mental situation.
A huge part of my moving on is coming from this ^
Every time I listen to his music I feel like he's still around. I said this somewhere else, but I'd like to share it here: he'll live on as long as there is music in this world
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