Discussion in 'Serious Chat' started by Todd, Apr 2, 2007.
Since I'm the one who made a big deal about this thread, I'm going to go right on ahead and make the first post.
When I got home from class, I got into a fight with my dad. I told him I wanted to talk to him about one of my classes, and he seemed fine.
I wanted to drop the class because all we do in that class is read and then discuss the stories in class, whereas in all my other classes we read and do actual work and take notes based on the readings. I figured if I dropped the class where all we did was read and discuss, I could focus on the other classes where we did actual work.
The only downside is that I wouldn't be a full-time student anymore and I'd be dropped from my parents' health insurance. Since my dad got laid off, he's losing his insurance in a month anyway. So, I asked him what the difference would be if I was dropped from the insurance now instead of waiting until we just didn't have insurance anyway. He told me he didn't want me off the insurance, so I said OK.
Then I decided to ask him if there was any way for me to get back onto the insurance if there WAS the chance that I dropped the class. He said he didn't know. Then I asked him if he'd have to call the insurance company to find out, and he said he probably would. So, that was it.
After that, I wanted to explain why I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and he started flipping out about it, and ended up yelling and screaming at me and threw things all around the living room for no reason.
Then he had the audacity to tell me that I had a tone and attitude when I was talking when I never once raised my voice, changed my tone or had an attitude, and I never got mad about anything. But the whole time, HE was getting mad and had a tone and all that.
So, I dropped my notebook and he yelled at me for throwing things. So, I said, "What's the difference? You threw things." He gave me the "I pay the bills" routine, which was complete and utter trash, and had no place at all in our conversation whatsoever. He started yelling again, and I told him I asked him about it because I didn't want to make the decision WITHOUT talking to him about it, and he said I wasn't even listening to him, when HE'S the one who wasn't listening to ME. I told him I didn't think I'd end up getting lectured or yelled at by trying to have a normal conversation with my dad.
That's why I never talk to him about anything anymore, because all he does is yell and yell until he gets his way no matter what anyone else says.
Needless to say, I'm stuck in that BS class and I'm not talking to my dad. On top of that, I've got two essays due tomorrow that aren't done because I've been spending my extra time reading hand-outs for that stupid class that we don't even do any work in.
I knew I should've taken five classes so I could've dropped one if I needed to. Go figure it'd come down to this.
I think your dad and my dad would be good friends. =\
I could understand why he'd have gotten mad if I'd have been acting like a complete and utter brat during the entire conversation, but I was trying to be very civil about it and express my reasons for wanting to drop the class. I knew there was very little chance he'd let me drop the class to begin with, but I wanted him to know why I wanted to drop the class, so he didn't think I'd thought about it on the drive home just to come home and say, "I want to drop this class for no reason whatsoever!" But when it came to my explaining why I wanted to drop the class, he turned it around and kept saying I wasn't listening to him, which didn't make any sense at all, because, every time, I said, "I understand that, but..." before making my next statement.
It's just starting to get really frustrating that every conversation with him turns into some sort of fight or argument for absolutely no reason at all. The other night I was talking to him about some roster changes the Browns were making (which doesn't do anything but set the topic of what we were talking about to begin with) and I mentioned something they did that I thought was going to really help the team. Rather than disagree with me and state why, he changed up his tone and attitude and tried making me feel like a complete and utter idiot for thinking what I did. It was completely unnecessary, and that's how almost all of our conversations end up anymore.
I'm being abandoned by part of my own family. It's not fair.
My own fucking father wouldn't go to my college tour.
Me: Dad. Can you take friday off to go with me to Salem?
Him: Can't. Already took monday off.
Me: Oh, why, doctor's appointment?
Him: No, yankees opening day.
...he can take a day off for a fucking baseball game THAT HES WATCHING AT HIS HOUSE...but not for his only child's college tour.
WOW, that's all i have to say.
So yeah. I really dislike your dad hun.
I'm about to break.
That's really all I can say to describe me right now. I truly am about to break. Whether it's to break down, or just break out and explode and get mad at everybody, I am not sure. I have a feeling that it may be a combination of both, but I am truly not sure.
I love Alex. It's simple. I don't know how else to describe this feeling. To constantly think about her; for everything, in some way, to remind me of her. To worry about her so much; for her to be my major concern. I don't know how else I can describe it.
It's just that even this, I am not sure about.
When Kristian and I were together, I thought I was in love with her. I could see nothing wrong with her for some point in time. I thought she was incredible. She was something amazing to me.
But Alex, I can see the flaws in her. I take notice of them and I don't like them, but I live with them 'cause it's worth it, to me, to see the good sides to her. But even with these flaws, I still think I love her. I think about her more than anybody else and I've felt this way about her for more than half of a year now.
She just seems to be so troubled by her feelings for Nick.
It comes off as odd to me, how I'm not upset about her feeling that way about Nick. I'm more concerned for her welfare and her happiness, rather than mine. I knew she'd have feelings for somebody else sooner or later, it would have had to come. But Nick is my best friend. Why am I not upset about that and upset about her happiness?
The thing is, I can't tell Nick about her feelings for him. I'm not sure if he knows or not, but I don't think he does. When I talked to him about what happened the Sunday before last, I told him that I felt it'd be wrong to tell him. He was fine with it but after a while he seemed to start wondering who it was.
Actually, forget that. The real thing is that I get uncomfortable when I'm around Alex and Nick is around or being mentioned. It just seems like I know it's going to bother her and I get worried and it seems like everything kind of just mellows down immensely and all of a sudden I start to feel extremely concerned for her. I begin to beg to whatever is up there that Nick will move away, or that she will not notice him, or that someone will make her laugh about something so that she can forget about him for the time being.
It just seems that, no matter what, she'll think about him. It's something that I can't help, but it's something I don't like and I don't want her feelings for Nick to bother her as much as my feelings for her bother me.
I just want her to be okay. I want her to be happy. I don't want her to be unhappy. She deserves to be happy. The only way I can be happy is if she is happy. If she's not happy then my day is ruined, it seems. Why does it have to be this way? Why do I have to be so concerned for someone? Why am I in love with this girl? Even I don't understand sometimes why I am so fascinated by her, and why I am so infatuated with her.
It seems like everything she does impacts me in some way. Whether it be her facial expression, the way she closes her locker, the speed she walks to class, or just simply how she looks at me. It impacts me in some way. It either makes me feel happy, or sad. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground. Sad includes angry, upset, concerned, depressed, etc. Happy is just one thing. If I'm happy, I am just satisfied.
Actually, if I really wanted to be half and half, there's satisfied and unsatisfied. Simple as that, really.
God, I love her. I love her so much.
But why does that not seem to be the end of my troubles? Why is there another girl, although I am not as infatuated with her, who I am constantly concerned about? Why is it that the more time I spend with her, the more I feel this sense of infatuation with her.
After the Steel Band California Tour, I started to feel differently about Rachel. I had spent so much time with her, and at the end seen her cry and hugged her and she leaned on my shoulder and I tried to console her as best as I could. I started to feel like I had feelings for her. I felt also that I was betraying my feelings for Alex, in a sense.
Now, after just several hours in Tuscon, I felt nearly the same.
I know for sure that I don't truly have any feelings for Rachel, seeing as how my thoughts a good majority of the time are with Alex. But it just seems like every time I am around Rachel I start to feel like I have to satisfy her in some way, whether it is to make her smile or make her laugh. I mean, I have to do that as a friend anyways because she is a relatively unhappy person and seeing her smile and laugh is always a nice thing. But it's more of a priority with these 'feelings'.
I don't know. I'm just lost, really. I don't know what to do and where to turn and how to do anything if there is anything I can do. I want to be helpful to both Alex and Rachel and I want both of them to be happy. And I want to be the brother to Nick like I have been to him and he has been to me. But this whole situation is complicated. I love Alex, and I care dearly for she, Rachel, and Nick. Nick is my best friend. Rachel is Alex's best friend. Nick doesn't care for Rachel and he seems fine with Alex. Rachel doesn't care for Nick. Alex loves Nick.
Doesn't that just sound so complicated to you?
I get dizzy just thinking about it. Moreover, I get upset and angry and I feel like breaking something. This whole situation is extremely frustrating and very aggravating and irritating. I just want this all to fix. I want Alex to like Nick and for him to like her back so that they can be together and they can both be happy. I want Rachel to find someone too, and I want Rachel to be happy and I want to know what happened those 2 years ago that seem to have changed her.
As for me? I mean, where would this leave me? I wouldn't be one of Nick's better friends anymore. Well, I would be, but I wouldn't be as high up. I mean, it wouldn't matter, but he'd spend more time with Alex. Which is okay. But it might be troubling for me, considering I love Alex. As for Rachel, I'd be glad that she was happy, but I almost want her to be with me too, in a sense. I want to be the one to help her. I want to be her savior, so to speak. But I don't know if I can.
I doubt any of this will happen, although I hope it does. I want Alex and Rachel to be happy with their lives. I want to see them smile and to see them laugh. And I don't care if I see them both get into relationships. I just want them to be happy.
And I don't care if I become suicidal over those outcomes. So long as they're happy and enjoying themselves.
I wish I could find a way to disappear...
I can't do this anymore. I really can't.
I just can't.
Ladies & Gentlemen.
Boys & Girls.
Children of all ages.
Please bare with me as I vent about a certain someone...
I just happened to stumble onto your page after leaving a comment to my beloved self-adopted sister, who has died, by who? You. It'll be a year in July, and all of a sudden you have her on your number 1 spot on your top friends. You did nothing but treat her like shit. Believe me. I know. How do I know? Because she would call me up every fucking night, crying because of you, and what you did. Whether it be, breaking up because "there's too much stress," "people saying you cheated on her," or things you've said.
And suddenly, after she's gone you decide to go and make it seem like you care about her, and you give a shit. Well, I'm sick of it. When I saw you at the Scarecrow Hill memorial concert my girlfriend held me back from punching you in the fuckin' face. Why? Because I saw you flirting. I've tried so hard to keep peace and keep my feelings for you as hidden as I could, for her. But oh my God, you were with a different girl right when you came out of the hospital. That's real compassion. Her death must've been really heart wrenching for you, if you're fucking someone new when you get out of the hospital. Ask anyone. I could not stop crying for a week, when I heard she died. I still tear up and cry every time I think of her. I still go to call her expecting her to answer. I still expect her to call me every night.
And wow, it didn't stop with Brittany. You've also cheated on your girlfriends after her. And, last time I knew, you were seeing three different girls at the same time.
You make me sick! Absolutely sick. And I swear, next time I see you, it better be when I can use both hands. So I can give you the beating of a life time, you God damn, good for nothing hypocrite. Let this be known, Ben...
EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE IS A GIFT FROM ME
I needed to let that out before tomorrow.
There's nights where I just lay there and all of a sudden, she pops into my head. I haven't even talked to her in months yet she still meets me in the dark mind where I think everything's happy. So I throw on my .mp3 player and try to drown her out. It works for the most part...but now, it feels like she's getting into that part too and I can't let that happen. Music's my mindset, she can't overtake that. I won't let her overtake that. NEVER NEVER NEVER!
OMFG i just a found a pic on myspace of this girl that looks similar to the one i've been crazy about for months. *dies*
Is it that girl who you went out with before then?
Honey why don't you have a nice long chat and get it over with forever.
And Arhaz- you better think of gaining weight. Fast.
So...not sure if I should call this a problem...or some sort of...sickness...
I can't stop screaming at night...I don't know why...I'm so hyped up...and sort of strapped to it...I really want to cut good as a shouter...and for some reason...putting so much pressure on myself has made me snap in some weird way...
My own screaming doesn't satisfy me...I want it to...really tear up my vocalcords...but for some reason...I can'T pass this certain point...the point where it goes from: "some kid screaming" to "letting your demons out"...well, that's what I call it...
It pains me to know what it should sound like...but I still can't get it out...like...something deep inside...something bubbling...boiling...waiting to burst out...like it does when I fight with my mom...that's...the only time I can actually shout...is when I'm being beaten...
I'm kinda...disturbed by the fact...that this is true...
I'm so fucked for math this term.
Totally now what you feel like...I'm fucked for history and social studies...so...yah...pretty much just my being lazy...
The last time I even came close to feeling this strongly about a girl, it took me four years to finally stop feeling pain everytime she mentioned her boyfriend.
And now, I can just see where this is going, I'm getting sucked in more and more every day, and every time i try and talk to her, make things right between her and me again, and I just get shot down, it kills me. I honestly believe I love her, and I don't say that lightly, I've only said that about two other people before.
Its just like I'm not good enough anymore, like her standards are suddenly so much higher, and I'm just something from her past that embarasses her. And that image of her when the two of us did our dancing assesment together, to me, she was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
It just kills me that I could have had have her, but i screwed it up, let her get away, let her froget about me.
Too bad I can't forget.
And All That Could Have Been...
Yeah, but I told you, I haven't talked to her, let alone seen her or anything in a few months, what the hell am I supposed to do honey, write her a note, e-mail her?
I swear to fucking god when I rule the world I'm going to ban record labels outright.
I want Brazil, England, Antarctica and Australia.
I've got to write two essays tonight based on stories I haven't read yet, and there's no information on them on the internet for me to even cheat! It sucks so much. I'm going to be up all damn night.
Separate names with a comma.