Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

YAY, Super Daniel. <33

 

I wonder why I haven't gotten a call back from this one business that I sent my resume to? I hate this. People need to give me a chance. I'm young but I have so much to offer.

 

This is absolutley ridiculous. I've been sick since last Thursday, over a week, and I'm NOT getting any better! I've got a terrible sore throat, swollen and really pretty disgusting, can't swallow very easily, barely get down drinks, haven't had a real meal in a week, fever is still happening. What the hell! I've missed a week of school, I can't afford to miss that much. I had blood work yesterday to get tested for mono, strep, or some other viral thing. Strep came back negative, as I knew it would, and the mono didn't come back yet. But the doctor is quite sure that it's most likely mono. I certainly can't afford to have mono; I can't miss 2-3 weeks of school! However, my white blood cell count tests came back normal, as well as my liver is normal, so there's a possibility that it's not mono, which I hope it isn't.

This is just so frustrating. I'm not used to feeling helpless, and I'm doing everything I can to help myself get better and it's not helping. Although,I DO need to drink more (I lost 4 pounds in water weight in one day) but it just hurts really bad to even drink water. Blaaaaah! *headdesk*


Btw, Derek has an awesome signature pic. Made me laugh a little.


EDIT:

Okay...so I'm feeling really skeptical about something and it's kinda freaking me out. Maybe someone can tell me if I'm overthinking it or just give me their two cents.

So...a few months ago, my boyfriend told me that one of his best friends, Mary Kim, a girl his age from Thailand that lives in NY, was killed in a car accident. He was very close with her, they had almost previously dated, and he was very upset by this. Her family knew that he was very close to her, and they were having the funeral in Thailand, so they got him a ticket to get to Thailand for her funeral. I was devestated for him, because I knew that she meant a lot to him, because I'm not so naiive to believe I'm the only girl that he could possibly care about.

Anyway, today, I was looking at his myspace, and I was just looking through his friends out of boredom, and I found someone in his friends. Mary Kim, 20 years old, Asian girl, New York, last login date: yesterday.

....Yesterday.

Now...I highly doubt that Josh knows another Asian girl his age named Mary Kim. But...why would he lie about his friend dying? That just seems over the top. I mean, I trust him, I really do, but how can I not be skeptical? I was thinking, maybe he was making up a story about where he was going to be, I mean, everyone does that every once in a while, but that his friend died? And that he was in Thailand? And that he's lying to me? He tells me that he trusts me. But that kinda says...I don't even know what. I don't even know what to think. I want to confront him like, ya know, 'cause I'm so curious. But I don't want to stir things up and make them uncomfortable. Then again, I also don't want us to be untruthful with each other. Relationships are based on honesty. I think I really need to confront him next time I see him, in person would be best, right? *sigh*

This just kinda caught me by surprise, and I don't know what to think. Anyone...?

 

I just spent an hour with two amazing girls, and I can't have anything with either of them.

 

Today we held a ceremony for our German teacher who passed away. It was beautiful, everyone worked together on it but of course, there were a lot of tears following again.

I can't take it when I see people I care about crying but I can't get close to them to make them feel better...


On the other hand, someone called me a hot piece of ass or something today, I guess I'll take that as a compliment.

 

Maybe someone else logged onto her account?

 

That's what I'd think.

I doubt he'd have made up such an elaborate lie. Then again I don't know him. But I don't think anyone would make up such an elaborate lie if they knew there was a chance they'd get caught.

So it's probably just nothing, deary.

 

Arlene, don't worry too much about it yet. If I were you I would confront him though, don't attack him with questions, just ask him quietly what's going on. I'm sure it's nothing, but you need to be able to talk about things like this in a relationship.

 

why is that will? do they have bf's already?

 

I spent an hour with a 26 year old primary school teacher last night. Couldn't go there either.


It's just not disco.

 

Yeah. It sucks. But I love just being their friend. It's rewarding in its own way.

 

Thanks Marj, Will, and Dean. I hope you guys are right. And I think I will mention it to him next time I see him. It's just peculiar. But thank you guys, really, it's nice to see someone else's opinion.

 

I just got news the mother of a friend passed away. She was a family friend of ours.

I can't believe this... I wasn't wrong when I predicted 2008 to be a terrible year. Fuck.

I'm thinking about becoming a horrible, cynical, rat bastard because it seems that it's always the exceptionally good people these things happen to.

RIP

 

Again, sorry and r.i.p.

 

Thanks, Dean.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that Stof.

I really hope this year will bring you better things than this.

 

Thanks, Marj, I hope so too.

 

November 27, 2007 was the worst day in my life and my family’s.

My family consists of me (21, female, eldest sibling), my brother, Colt (17 ½, in college, finishing his HS diploma), my mother (50, works for the state), and my father (52, who was living in another state at the time…but not anymore).

On that faithful day, my mother got a frantic call from one of Colt’s friends at work. He had apparently gotten two very disturbing text messages from my brother and had searched the state sites trying to get her number to tell her about them. I get a call from my mom who is completely freaked out. She wants me to look for my brother because these were not good sounding messages but wouldn’t tell me about them over the work phone. She went home early trying to get a hold of him and everyone but her phone died on commute home.

This was about 11am. I was not home. But I had a helpless feeling like I couldn’t do anything.

When mom got home, she gave me a tearful call. Shaking, she told me my brother’s wallet was open in the kitchen with only his ID gone, then in her room she found an open, empty, gun holster.

I broke down. How could my only sibling leave with the gun?!

I rushed home, crying the whole way. I got on myspace, I wrote EVERYONE on his friends list saying he had taken a gun and disappeared! I got frantic calls from his friends. No one knew where he was!

Fred, the friend who had had the smarts to contact my mom came over and showed us the texts…they weren’t good. They didn’t seem like my brother at all! The first e a c h l e t t e r h a d s p a c e s between them. I had never seen him write like that. And the next was “normal” set up, but what it said sent chills through us.

He was saying that he hopes we enjoy those that we can love and hold because he could never have that. That his life is over. That he would end it where it started!

No wonder my mom was so upset!

We called the police! We told them he had taken the gun! We needed him back! Nothing was so important to end your life over!

Even with all this I was still just so very hopeful that it wasn’t true. That he had run away (but he didn’t take any money or cards so he wouldn’t even have been able to buy gas!).

At 2:30 I got a call from one of his friends that I had been talking to. They had walked out of their HS classes and spotted my brother’s truck in the parking lot. …they walked over and they saw him laying over the seat and blood everywhere.

Still! I was so hopeful that he would be ok! That maybe he didn’t give himself a fatal blow. Maybe we could take him to the hospital. I tried to rush into my car and try to get down to the HS I graduated from. The one Colt was supposed to graduate from! But the police wouldn’t let me! They blocked me from leaving my own house!

I guess it’s ok that they did that. But I was jus so angry at the time.

He shot himself in the head. One shot. With my father’s gun.

He executed himself.

17 ½ and he feels the need to kill himself!

My baby brother is dead. My only sibling is dead. We grew up together! We loved each other. I would’ve done ANYTHING for him! ….and I didn’t even know.


He shot himself at 11am. He wasn’t found until after 2pm. It was in the HS parking lot. The classes were full of people. No one heard the shot. …I guess the head and skull make a makeshift silencer.


The whole time we were trying to reach him, his phone was ringing in a puddle of his own blood….






He left a note that said: “Please tell my mom.” And her phone number.
That is all he left for his family. He said goodbye to his friends. I’m so angry at him. I’m so hurt by him! I’m so angry at everything!




He has no idea what he’s done to this family! We’re broken. It’s so hard to move on. I haven’t even been able to type it before today.

I miss him so fucking much! It felt like my heart was ripped in two! Like my whole chest cavity was ripped open! I couldn’t breath. I can only curl in a ball with unbelievable pain!

It’s been 7weeks. I still can’t believe it. I have to walk by his room to get to mine. I see it every day. He’s not there. He’s not coming back. It all feels like a horrible nightmare. I just want to wake up!

I’m numb, or in pain every day, all day.


He did it two weeks before the end of the semester; my graduating semester from college. I had to hold it together. I had to finish my school work. I had worked soooooooooooooo hard! And for sooooooooooo long to get this fucking degree! Luckily my professors understood enough. And with the help of some drugs I was able to at least finish my papers and study for my exams.

It was after my examinations that it hit me really hard. All of a sudden, the things that were keeping me distracted and busy weren’t there anymore. The cold reality of it slid into my mind and I couldn’t escape it. I was overwhelmed, drowning in grief. Without my bf I don’t think …I wouldn’t have been able to live on like I have.

At least I understand that I have to continue my life. I also have to deal with my grief in my own way.

This has destroyed the members of my family. All of us are crushed. Of course my parents are the worst. And then it is my fucking job to keep them from killing each other. It’s too much to deal with in my life.



This is why I haven’t been on. This is why I haven’t been able to talk about it.



My brother didn’t talk about what was bothering him. That was his problem. He would talk to everyone else and make THEM feel better, but he wasn’t able to talk about his own problems.

He failed the last semester of his last English credit so he could graduate from HS because he was too focused on the college courses he was taking.

But what we found out later is that the girl he has lost his virginity to, not a week before…he found out, or was told or was lied to, that she was engaged the whole time.

I don’t think I believe it, but I do think he believed it. He had girls hanging all over him and decided to lose it to this one. Then to be told (by another lying whore) that she was engaged! Well it sent him over the deep end. I think he had a lot of rage. …and instead of doing something to others, he imploded. He shot himself, not anyone else. But it was on his and the girl’s one month anniversary. That is a statement if I ever heard one.
Colt Cedar Callaghan: July 18, 1990 to November 27, 2007.

I miss you, bro. It hurts so bad.

 

Oooooh, that's horrible!!

I'm so sorry Holiday, I'm so sorry. <33

If you need anyone to talk with, you can always PM me.

I hope you and your family will be okay.