Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

Who I am.

I fuck up. I'm stupid.

I don't know who I am.

But I plan to learn.

What I wrote was wrong. I realized that.

I wrote it because I was mad.

It's natural to me.

But it hurts those around me.

So I'm going to stop it.

I apologize to those who were affected.

They say that holes in your personality will fuck you up.

Guess they do.

Anyways, who I am.

I'm analyzing myself and seeing what's inside. See what's wrong with me and try to improve on it.

And here's what I got so far. It isn't biased, it's just what I feel inside.:

I have low self-esteem. I try to compensate by being what my friends want me to be.

But that's not who I am.

I don't talk. It's not me. I look inside and I'm quiet. Reserved. I'm socially inept.

I try to be funny but it's only to see my friends laugh. It's not who I am. It's what I do to get the result I desire.

I like my friends being happy. I wish the best for everyone.

I don't think about myself that much.

That's unhealthy. I know it is. It manifests itself into bulletins like the last one I posted.

I'm not balanced.

I enjoy what I can't do and I hate what I can.

I have needs to be accepted. I don't listen to criticism well. That needs to change. I should know that I'm already accepted and not worry about it.

Criticism is my downfall. In my sense of self-loathing I usually accept what's said as true. This works in some senses but when it's trash-talk I take it as true as well. I stopped eating vegetables as a kid because I was made fun of it. I still have problems with it.

I need to learn to brush it all off. I also need to learn to take it right. I have messages that are waiting to be read and I won't do it. That's wrong.

In my mind I'm an idealist. I always know the right option to take. In reality it's a different story. I have pride. Too much of it. I need to accept that while I may think I have everything under control, I don't. I need help but I won't take it.

I'm a socially deprived creature. I'm a child in a sense. I'm very obsessive.

I tell myself I don't think about myself that much but I always do. I'm selfish at heart. I lie a lot. I don't know why. Maybe it ties into my need to be accepted.

I'm a pessimist at heart.

I have a tendency to not tell others my problems for fear of them worrying. I also have a fear of confrontation.

I don't look at the positive side of life very often.

I'm clingy.

I yearn for validity of the things I'm good at.

I need to think about things I'm good at.

I enjoy art. I like writing poetry. That stems from my pessimistic side. I guess it's cathartic in that I can transfer my inner rage into words. Oh I get angry easily. I have anger problems.

I like taking pictures. I like photoshop.

I'm a nerd at heart who tries to be cool. Again it's all in trying to be accepted.

I enjoy music. There's always something new and exciting to discover.

I'm a hopelessly idealistic person. I know the movies don't accurately reflect real life but I wish every day that it does.

I believe in God but I don't know how to express it.

I'm hopelessly lazy. I'm problematic. I'm a procrastinator.

I love kids.

I unconsciously and consciously emulate others.

I eat because I feel inadequate.

I follow the crowd. I'm not a leader.

I express myself better in writing.

I don't exactly know myself. I don't think I ever have.

I would act one way with one person and another way with another.

When I hate, I HATE. I'm an angry person. I think bad things when I'm mad. I get sadistic satisfaction in thinking about ways I could hurt others. I get sadistic satisfaction when I'm fucked.

I run away a lot. I don't have a way of coping with problems.

I like singing even though I'm not good at it.

That's all I have so far.

I need more introspective time.

 

That sounds a lot like me.

 

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the things I'm going to type here next and it may seem selfish to others or maybe sad, but it's just a problem I have and I just want to get it out of me...

Everyone around is me finding someone (girlfriends, boyfriends everywhere) and I've been wondering why I don't. I said this before in this topic, but I've got something I have to add to it.
I think it's rather sad of myself to be jealous of other people's love and imagine what it be like...

I've never had someone like they have, and I'm seriously doubting I ever will if I don't change.
I've gotten close a couple of times, but they always seem to back of when you do get close.

So here's what my problem is:

I want to find someone, but I don't want to force it and just hook up with someone random to have someone... that would never work out.
I need to find someone I can connect with, someone who gets me and obviously no one does over here.
I think the main problem is that I don't like the lame Dutch bullshit you seem to have to say to a girl (over here) so she likes you... they don't seem to get what I talk about, because it's mostly American (or at least English-based) stuff: bands, tv-shows, movies, games, art, even humour,... and that really pisses me off. Everything Dutch seems so cheesy to me.
Ever since I went to America on holiday I've felt a little American and by logging in on this site almost everyday, I can actually express myself (in English).
Also, I only seem to like girls that are way out of my league, I just don't want someone "less".

Well, there you have it. I'm fucking born in the wrong place...

 

What I'm about to say sounds a bit lame, but I really do believe in the following; I really think alot of people make the same mistake, they want to find someone...And then there's their mistake, you can't just find someone who fits really well with you. I believe that it will come on your way, maybe not now but later, plus, you're young and it's not like you're turning 30 tomorrow right?
You're right about the just hooking up thing, but what is better is making new friends and if you like that someone special alot you could always take a step forward and become more closer, before you're totally stuck in the friends zone thing.
And ofcourse you can't have someone who likes exactly all the things you like, if that would be the case the relationship is just dull. You can learn her the things you like though, maybe she wouldn't like it, but atleast then she knows what you're talking about.

I know I don't really make a point with this, but that's because I'm the opposite of you in this, I can't express myself well in english, I hope I helped you a little though, I guess the moral of my story is, relax because you're still young and I understand you would want a girlfriend aswell, but it's better to first know a girl a bit better before you take a step forward but meanwhile don't hang in the friends - zone for too long. Eh, yeah.

 

Thanks a lot, Marj, that actually really helped.

All you say is obviously true, it's just that watching everyone around me hook up and act all tough to girls and that stuff... XD I just think it's lame what they do and the worst part is that it actually works too.
But I really do have to find some people who actually understand what I talk about...

 

I'm glad I helped a little.

 

*blinks, looks around, and gives everyone a very, very, very, very big hug*

 

(is a hug of at least the same size as yours-

 

You should come over to England and we could work on those 'hitting techs'
Or you could come and stay over at my place in England?
Making you want to stay in Belgium?

But seriously, you will find the right girl for you, just have to be patient.
I know this sounds cheesy, but some cheesy lines and stuff do work you just have to get to know them really.
'Way out of you league' pshh, you can get any girl (provided it's not a celeb or whatever ) you just have to try to get them, rather than admit defeat and fall down at hurdle one, ask them out to a movie or something, just be honest and you might get a shot with them. Basically just get the courage to ask them out really.

I know this sounds cheesy, but i thought it was appropriate:

I believe in you, Grasshopper.

 

Thanks, man. Yeah, I bet that's all true and we'll just have to see about coming to England... XD

Also, you should've changed my name to Grasshopper in that last sentence.

 

So it is written, so it shall be done!

You know you want to come to England

 

You know I won't, though... I might be coming over to England sometime, but probably when I'm 18+ or so.

 

So perhaps I got half my life fixed after moving, but one half still remains as it was. -_-

 

I don't know..

 

*Sighs* Here we go again. Time to face the challenge ahead... A' Level is staring straight into my eyes.

 

I graduate tomorrow. In a few months time, I'll be 18.

Am I supposed to be this scared?

 

yes, but it goes away, don't worry.

 

Simple. Remove all ties with the person. It seems to be the best way. The risk is if it'll work or not.