Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

Im not back yet i just wanna tell eveyone how im doing
and to be very honest with you
im not doing well at all
last night i had a panic attack..i went to the hospital and they said all the stress in my life has just taken its toll.
and the attack has opened my eyes
it has told me that the way i am now can get hurt really bad
i now feel the need to change my life..to get a new view of it..because if i continue to have attacks it can have a big affect on the way i live my life from now on
im really scared..its the first time ive never really known what is next
='(

 

today at 10 am ends my 11 month probation sentence, as it's my last visit to the probation offices. next month, my record gets expunged.

 

I applied to another college over the weekend...
I don't know if I'll get in, seeing as this is the
fourth or fifth one in the state I've been to
since I've graduated, lol.

I need to get my shit together!

 

My eyes are really starting to bother me now. I know I have overactive tear ducts (meaning my eyes water at any moment) but now it just can't stop. To the point where my eyes are becoming sore.

 

Good news


I wish there was someone I could tell about this shit, without having to worry about them judging me. I'd like to think I'm worthy of at least some peace of mind. Oh well. I live in hope. Hah.

 

Are you allergic to something? It could be due to dust or carpet even. Go to a doctor

 

I don't think it's that, but i'll see what I can do about a doctor.

 

And you don't even get into contact with me. Are you trying to make me crazy? Or maybe you're trying to make me think that nothing ever happened, so that the fight will be over.
Maybe I'll just do that. Makes things easier.

I want to be angry at you and be able to hate you because being angry is easier than being sad but..I can't. And...I know I'll forgive you anyway because I need you.


Why do I love you so much? Why do I care so much?
Recently we've felt so right, and it's come so easily. You've been around more than ever before. You've been calling me every night, when you get out of work, just to say hey. You sleep over at LEAST once a week. You smile whenever you look at me. It's just so right and I love you with all of my heart.

But I still think you're lying. I know you love me but...

But christ, am I over analyzing things? I tend to do that. But no, I don't think I am. I just don't want to agree with my gut instinct, because at the moment I don't like my instincts.

And then when I tell you what I'm thinking, you reassure me in that beautiful voice that you love me with all of your heart, and that if you didn't want me, do I really think you'd still be with me? In that case, no, because you're brutally honest. And then you go on to tell me sweetly about your plans for our future and telling me that the reason you do this and you do that is for US so that we can be a happy and successful couple.

Very random, yes, but I've just got jumbled thoughts.

 

Maybe...maybe you want something to be wrong? I don't know...

 

No...there's definitely something to question. But I don't even want to post details because it...embarrasses me. Because once again the fighting is going back to the honesty/faithfulness.

 

I understand. Just talk to him. I know you said he's sticking to his guns and you're sticking to yours, but still.

 

So my friend's driver rolled the window on my hand.


And I started crying 'cause it was hurting a lot and he was like "It's okay, it didn't hurt you that much".


UGHHH.

I can't type with that hand :/

 

Thanks, Will. I've been TRYING to talk to him, but he hasn't called me back. Whenever I try to call him his phone is off.

 

Arlene

 

Everything is okay. Wasn't my fault that I thought badly, but yeah.

Thanks guys.

 

I can't wait to go to England. I just want to be with him and the more I talk to him the more I miss him. I've got a job interview today, so that's good. Fuck nervous.

 

She likes him a bit too much in my opinion. Luckily I know him a million times better than that he knows me. And my instinct has never let me down so if there's something wrong, I know it instantly. If she still keeps telling me how much she likes him I'm gonna tell her to fuck off, I don't care she's my colleague, you don't steal.

 

Great, this girl who I know for all my life, and who is also a good friend of Chris(tmas) just has been diagnosed with cancer...

 

Damn straight. Use those fancy French insults!