Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

How come?

 

I don't know. I just know I don't really feel anything right now, and it's not even bothering me. If it were though, I suppose I wouldn't be saying I'm feeling nothing.

 

don't think that will help much, if at all, but at least I tried.

 

I'm so insecure about my school. I really think I'm going to fail this year because I don't understand any of it. It's really useless what I have to do. I just want to work and be done with school. Fuck.

 

So I think I never quite believed Josh when he said he never cheated on me. But I decided to believe it because I rely heavily on having someone there for me. Now, there's someone else who's kinda come into the picture. He texts me or calls me everyday just to see how I am, and he seems to genuinely care about the answer. He's going to school full time. Josh on the other hand, I'm lucky to hear from him 2-3 times a week and very lucky if I see him for more than 4-5 hours, once a week.

I saw him on Saturday night for a surprise birthday party for his parents. I finally met a friend of his that I've heard a lot about and something she said contradicted one of Josh's "I'm not cheating" alibi stories. I kinda let it go then, but now it's bothering me. While at the party, Josh's cousin Tammy asked me when we're getting engaged, she said there's no rush since I'm young but was wondering because we've been a thing for a long time. Okay. Later on when I was leaving that party I asked Josh when I was gunna see him next, and he said "hopefully Thursday." Okay that's nice, besides the fact that he joined a dart league with his brother, and "hopefully Thursday" means if I decide to blow off homework (or just not have much to begin with) and drive to wherever this dart league event is to go and watch him play darts. Sounds great. I mean, I understand that he works alllll the freaking time and I know he has a lot of debt to pay off, but there's a certain point where I just feel like a complete afterthought or not even a thought at all. And that point has definitely been reached. He has absolutely no time for me. And when I get upset about it I get a guilt trip. "I'm working so much to pay off my debt so that I can have money so that we can move in together." If I ever want to do something, say on a Friday night and I want to see him, I don't even bother asking because I know that the answer will be "no, I have to work." The other guy, Steve, if I say "hey let's get the group (aerodrome friends) together and go do something" he's always one of the first people to be able to say "yeah sounds great" with no hesitation. And he's always there. Even if everyone else bails he still wants to do something with whoever ends up hanging out.

And the reason that this little mental dilemma has gotten worse is because on Saturday night all my aerodrome friends stayed at my house and we got kinda drunk and had a good time and were all cozy on the pull out couch/couch. Me and Steve ended up next to each other, and it happened the week before too when they stayed over. This time it was just easy to cuddle up next to him because he was just...so open and he cares. And when he held me it wasn't just like, an arm around me, it was secure and tight and it was just a "I dont want to let go of you" hugs. And it turned into a lot of kissing. I could blame alcohol and just move past it but I wasn't drunk and neither was he.

Seems kind of obvious to me. The guy who I know loves me but doesn't have any time for me (even to send me a text), who I have a hard time trusting, who has a background of being a whore (in high school), and expects me to be completely happy with a 4 hour relationship per week (if I'm lucky). Or the one who's new, and I would need to get to know more, but is genuinely interested how everything with me is, who's only had one serious relationship in his life and tries hard to please, who jumps when I want to see him/the group. But then I think of what Josh's cousin Tammy said, about when me and Josh are getting engaged, and that makes me panic. I feel like I have an obligation to Josh's family and not just him. They all love me and expect me to be there and be the one to marry Josh. Just...ugh. I'm gunna stop here just because this is what really just makes me want to cry.

 

Arlene, you really shouldn't feel obligated to do anything if it's not what you're sure you want. I'm guessing you've already talked to Josh about not being happy with a part-time relationship.

 

Arlenedear, it already sounds like you've made up your mind. I'm not trying to be an ass, but I hate it when you make these kinds of posts because it's the same thing. For the passed year or so, all you've been saying is how unwanted you feel. I hope that didn't come out the wrong way, but it seems to me that you're seriously unhappy with your current situation. If you're unhappy, then find a way to make yourself happy. Don't feel obligated to Josh's family, either. It all comes down to what you want and what makes you happy, and obviously he isn't making you happy.

I hope I didn't come off as an ass or be offensive.

 

Mali: I haven't even talked to him about it.

Mike: No, I know what you're saying. I would use to complain about it, but I knew I wouldnt do anything because he was that constant in my life that I didn't want to change but now there's a chance for someone new, who seems to care more, and have time for me. It's just a lot to think about.

 

As cheesy as it sounds, you should really go with what feels right in your heart. Ultimately, it's your happiness that matters, not anyone else's.

 

My dad is BACK in the hospital. He was turning around to come back home this morning because he didn't fell too well, and I guess he blacked out and drove into the oncoming traffic lane and was in a bad accident with an off-duty cop. Apparently it was 4 feet away from being a head on collision. The cop broke his hip, but I think Dad's injuries are worse. Everything that happened in July was most likely re-triggered (broken neck, back, brain bleeding) and the airbag broke his sternum.

FUCK MY LIFE

 

Sweet Jesus. My sympathies for your dad. Be thankful he is still alive. That could've been far worse. Wow. *hugs*

 

Oh my god. I hope your Dad recovers soon, Casey.

 

Wow Casey, You guys will be in my thoughts. I hope for the best.

 

What did you mean by the sentence that I bolded in what you said? But yeah...I know. That's what I'm finally thinking. I talked to my sister about it and she doesn't think that I'm overreacting. I mean...honestly when I think over things, I never really believed the stories/excuses/reasons behind why I thought he was cheating. I was just really afraid to be alone. I haven't been without someone for a long time. And now that Steve is kind of around, it kinda opened that door that maybe I can be happier with someone new.

And of course I tried to call him to talk things over and his phone was off and he still hasn't called me back.

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Casey: Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope he's okay.

 

He means that, that being the case, you should just forget about that sort of thing and try not having a boyfriend. I think. I agree with Derek anyway.

And Casey, what everyone else said. I hope he recovers.

 

Arlene, I agree with Derek. I wanted to tell you what he just said months ago, but I didn't have the heart to because, at the time, i twas out of place. You should leave Josh if you're not happy, and it's obvious that you're not.

 

Yeah, thanks guys. I've finally made that decision. It helped that I called and talked to my sister about it, rather than friends. She doesn't think that I'm overreacting or anything, and even if somehow he hasn't been lying to me about things, even just how little I've seen him or talked to him is grounds for me to be upset. 4 hours a week is not a relationship. I'm sad. And I've tried hard, and given him chance after chance, but I'm sad and I don't like it. I love him, but it's just not enough anymore.

 

I've always told myself that no matter how much someone works or goes to school (or how far they live), if you truly love someone then you find a way to make it work. Now I'm not saying he cheated on you or anything (even though it does sound fishy), but as you said, 4 hours a week isn't a relationship, that's an accuitance with benefits. Now, if you do break up with him, I wouldn't go jumping on the other guy right away, either. You've been in a relationship for over 2 years, take some time for yourself for a couple month, you know what I mean?

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Anyway, I broke down and got a part time job. I'm actually kind of pissed, because I just found out that all this time I've been on unemployment, that I could have had a part time job making en extra $100 a week. Speaking of, that's my limit. I bring in $293 a week through unemployment and combine that with a part-time job I may pick up, I can only make $410 a week before I would lose my benefits. Now, I've been on unemployment since April, I just got an extension that goes for another 20 weeks starting in November, but seriously, I could have been working part time and saving some money, which they failed to tell me from the beginning.

Anyway, I'm only working 6 days at the local amusement park between the 16th and the 1st. They have some Halloween deal going on there, so I went there and all I have to do is scare people all night. Pretty easy job, sounds fun, and it may just be a stress reliever. We'll see.