Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

well I hope your quest goes well. Mine aren't =(

 

Oh you guys.
Last night, Josh called me. I haven't heard from him for a month (a month exactly since we broke up, as of yesterday). I'm so so confused. I know you'll all tell me that he's bad news and I made the right decision breaking up with him but I feel so lost.
He is beyond not okay. There have been times in the past when we've fought that he would summon up some tears, that may have been real, but were weak. Last night, he was sobbing to the point that if I didn't know that I was talking to him, I wouldn't have recognized who the hell he was. I have never heard him sob like that before. It scared me a lot.
He finally came forth about a hickey that was on his neck a year and a half ago. And the thing with the lingerie is almost believable...he said that it came in one of those bags like when you buy Halloween costumes, which have no tags on them. They honestly did not look used, but it still is a little sketchy. (For those who don't remember, I found lingerie in his room that did not belong to me. He told me he had bought it for me, because we talked about getting dressed up before. But there were no tags or anything, so it was weird.)
And I mean honestly, if he had other girls to play with why is he coming back to me, so sad and so lost? He doesn't need me if he has someone else. I'm not that freaking spectacular.
And of course he finally has more free time, because he was within weeks of breaking even on his bills when I broke up with him, so now he's all caught up and he's working a normal schedule and he has all this free time and noone to see and nothing to do with it. He grew away from his friends over the past 2 and some years, because he spent all his free time with me. So he has no friends to go to, his parents didn't even seem to care that we broke up, or to ask if he was okay. He seems so absolutely lost and depressed and it kills me. He was a part of my life for almost 2 and a half years.

But now I have Steve in the picture. My mom told me that I shouldn't jump into anything after Josh, but I hadn't heard from him, and I took that as, yeah, he really didn't give a fuck. He was just trying to give me my space since I was so straightforward and decided when I broke up with him (which I admit is true. I was just like, "well, listen, I don't trust you, and I don't believe you, and I can't be with you if you're going to lie to me.") So he was afraid to try to approach me or talk to me. And now I really wish I didn't jump into something with Steve because I'm so confused. Steve has been nothing but amazing, besides when he tells me that he won't smoke pot when I'm around, and then he does, or that he isn't going to drink because he has to drive, and then he does. Plus he's in my "group" of friends and that's really awkward if things with us go down the toilet. But he's cared about me, had time for me, goes to school full time. He's great. I'm just afraid now that I'm not ready for this and I can't be pulling him down with me. I don't know if I can handle this right now. I feel so lost and confused and I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt Steve or his family but I don't want Josh to go away, I really really don't. I don't want him gone. As crazy as it sounds I do still love him and I miss him and I miss his arms and his face and I can't stand it. And I don't love Steve, there hasn't been time for that. I do care about him, a lot, but I don't love him.
I don't know what to do.

 

If you go back to Josh I guarantee it'll go back to the way it was.

 

But even if I don't jump back with him, what about Steve? I feel so lost and I don't feel that this is...fair. Steve is great but is it fair that I'm with him while I'm thinking about how I love and miss someone else? I just feel like I'm going to drag him down with me and...how is that fair? Now I'm just feeling like I really don't know if I can handle this right now. I don't know if I can handle another serious relationship. But I feel like I don't know how to NOT be serious.

 

Arlene, this might come off as being harsh, but it isn't intended to be. Why be in a relationship at all? You are young, and trust me, being so young and in a serious relationship isn't always the best thing. What you want in a boyfriend now, and from the sounds of it, Josh and you had been planning on a lifetime together, might not necessarily be what you want in five years. You are going to change, a lot in the years after you finish high school, and your wants and needs in a partner will change as well. Go out with your friends, go on dates with Steve, and just see what happens.

 

Well, I'm not trying to be an asshole when I say this hun, but a lot of us here, when you told us you broke up with Josh and had Steve to fall back on, suggested that you wait it out and see what would happen instead of jumping into another relationship right away.

What I would do is, since you're lost and don't really know what to do, is tell Steve that you can't handle a relationship right now. If he's half the man you say he is, then he'll understand. Sit back, get yourself some you time, and see what happens. Keep Josh as a friend and just see what happens, ya'know?

 

Yeah...thanks guys. I think I might have to do that. I just feel so awful and confused. That's kinda what my dad said...that I just need to kinda take a step back and see how it goes. I keep crying...this is ridiculous. I feel so awful.

 

This. Can't think of a better solution.
But I feel for you, it's rough

 

That's the best solution for it and it's not even close. Break up with Steve (but keep him as a friend) keep Josh also as a friend (don't go into a relationship with him.. for now) and stay single for the time being.

 

@Arlene Ohhh.

Loook, You don't have to jump ships on anyone, and it wouldn't help to take advice without your own days upon hours of consideration. Then, you would grow and learn yourself more, or the situation more.

Stick with Steve, but do talk to Josh. Talk to Josh as a friend and hangout with him. See if it's what you really want, or is what you wanted before.


What im trying to say here is just stick to Steve, and talk to Josh (while being a good lil' kitten) and just figure out more. What we all say who to jump with or who to stick with is all speculative on the outcome, but if you don't do much aside talk to Josh, again, as a friend-base...You'll just know more on what to do.

 

Someday, I'm going to have lived most of my life, and I don't know right now if I'll have anything to show for it.

 

You know, a journal is a testament of your doings for your kids, and grandkids, for show.

 

No, I mean I don't know if I'll have accomplished anything I find worthwhile. That's the point that I'm at right now. I really don't want to look back in fifty years and think "you know, I wish I'd done more with my life."

 

Thanks guys. Yeah, I talked to Steve last night and he was really cool about things. He understands that I need time to heal and stuff and he suggested that we take a break for me to think things over. So yeah it's good. I mean, it sucks and everything and I don't like to have to do that to him because he's such a great guy to me, but, it's best. He understand so that's what matters. I just don't want to do something that might ultimately hurt him more, yknow? If I stay with him and pretend that I don't miss Josh, that's not right, because I'm lying to both of us.

So yeah I plan on just kinda taking a big step back, and not being serious with either of them. Maybe go on a few dates, but keep it casual, and talk to Josh, bring him slowly back into my life. He suggested that we start over, which would be good. Go waaay back to the beginning to see if I could trust him and whatnot. I dunno. So yeah.

Thanks for everyones advice and stuff. It means a lot to me. I'll update you guys with stuff.

 

I know it's late but thanks Cam!

---
Friends suck, I mean really bad. My friends at least.

I actually should have knew better because he's always been an jerk but really I thought maybe he'd learned his lesson from being such a douche, I guess not. Anyway now he plans to date the only girl who I actually really like now a days and have liked for a few years, the problem being she lives too far away. This girl also likes me but anyway, she likes him too (reason? girls like assholes is the only reason I can think of) so he moves there, he dates her, she gets heart broken and realize that she was being an idiot for dating a douche.

Being that this is the same "friend" that told his ex girlfriend that I took all sorts of drugs and was an alcoholic because he was afraid that I was going to steal his girlfriend from him (whom I really had no interested in what so ever) should have been enough to let me know once and for all that he wasn't friend material but like I said, he said he was off the drugs, he said he was getting his life together, started working in a hospital (and then getting fired because of, what else? someone reporting him for drugs)

No, they haven't started dating yet, but I think they're close to it and that it's very gosh damn ironic that he'd end up doing that. It makes me sad that she'd consider him too since he's a liar, a cheater, a back stabber, a manipulative schemer, a hypocrite, a instigator. Well, really I don't know what other word to call him cause he's a whole lot of no good.

So I guess the lesson here is, friends don't work out for me.
Girls that I like, end up dating jerks.
Life goes on, no matter how bitter-sweetly.

----
end rant

 

Wow. She said I love you.
This is... A big change. Two days ago I thought she was disinterested and over it.
I think it means something too, since it's taken us over 5 months to say it.

 

Jesse: No problem dude!. BTW, Have you notice that if you like someone they don't end up dating with you or doesn't like you? and vice versa, If someone likes you, you don't like them. It's actually confusing but that is always the case. I asked my friends about it and they all experience it. It's just weird.


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I don't know If I should put it here but it's something I want to let it out. It's just a nonsense thought Anyway, I like what I'm feeling so Im gonna share it. I've been registered to Myspace just 2 or 3 months ago, usually I don't have really "real" friends their more often than not those are just random people I added. Asians don't usu used Myspace instead we used Friendster or now, Facebook. In that 30 plus friends of mine, I added like 8 people (LP, Trivium, Max, Kyle, Alex Evans, David, and 2 other girls). Just now, I realized one of my friends named Noel is a model. I don't have any idea who he was. So, I checked it out. It was so funny coz he is a model. I mean literally. I thought it's just a joke but it isn't based on the photos and people's comments. He's a ramp model of Kenneth Cole, Tommy Hilfiger, and Nautica. Also Macy, Gap and Levis. I dont know if it's a joke but he got photos from friends, families and even him standing his own billboard. Maybe it was him or not or whatever. The main point is, I never requested in adding him coz I dont have any single idea who he was, so it's either he requested it or maybe a technical problem in Myspace. Whatever it is, I'm feeling so beautiful now. I know Myspace is just a joke or what but the thing is, it increases my self esteem. This is a nonsense thought but whatever. I'm feeling so beautiful today Aslo, conceited.

 

If two people love each other. shouldn't they be together. Doesn't that make sense. Why is she locking me out. I know she loves me. she just doesnt say it anymore. She admits that she does. Why are things so bad between us. Why does it seem like everything I do just makes things worse. Why can't I just drop it and go with the flow like what she wants. Why do I feel like shit all of the time. I love her. she knows I do. More then life itself. Why isnt this working. How come things can't revert to the the way they were before. I feel like crying =(

 

She's gotta come to you sweetheart. It sounds like you're trying hard and at this point you've done your part yknow? You have to wait until she shows you that she loves you too.

--
Okay, so I saw Josh last night. It was really weird. I had no idea how to approach him or anything. We hugged...and I felt home. That's where I was supposed to be.
Anyway, so we talked about things. I told him we can try to start over from the beginning, build a foundation of trust and see what happens, no promises that it's gonna last or be anything. He cried a lot, it was pretty scary. And then he said "you don't have to answer this if you don't want to...but did you and Steve do anything?" And I just responded with raised eyebrows "that's none of your business." So he took that as a yes because he knows me. At this he started freaking out really bad...just like, crying hard, kinda hyperventilating and sounding like he was gunna throw up. Which he did. He was really hurt by the thought of me being with someone else, obviously. So while he was freaking out I said "doesn't this feeling suck? This is how I've felt. I didn't care or feel guilty because I thought you were doing the same thing to me for the past year." I think kinda putting it into perspective made him kinda realize why I acted how I did. Looking back, I was kind of a bitch, but I'm really happy that I didn't cry or crack while talking to him about things.

So after talking to Josh, I told Steve that it would be best if I just stay single. It was just kinda undecided for a while what was happening with us because I don't want Steve gone but I don't want Josh gone either. So I told him that it was better if we just break up, because it's not fair for me to be dragging him along with me while I try to make a decision. And he was just like "okay", no problem, it's all good. I went to sleep. In the morning, he started texting me. Basically, he's not ready to be "out of the picture" yet. He thinks Josh is bad news, which I can understand, and it kinda seems like he's willing to fight for me...which I didn't expect, because he just seems so chill with everything. So I dunno. So we broke up basically, but it doesn't seem like it. He's not ready to go away. And I think he's trying to prove to me that he's the right choice, just being very sweet and stuff.
This weekend me and Steve had made plans to drive to Boston to see my sister, which we're still doing so we'll see how that goes. We work very naturally together so I don't think we'll be all awkward around each other.

So yeah sorry if that was kinda random. My thoughts are confused haha