Got Something You Want To Let Out?

Many are told time after time to think before they say. A majority of the many who are told to do this end up doing the opposite. I hate those people. It pisses me off how they say something offensive, and think of it as a joke. These people need to realize that we all have different feelings. One thing can be said as a joke and taken as a complete insult.

My morning was great, but the rest of the day was a complete hell. And the rest of the night will be a complete hell. I've done nothing all day. Nothing whatsoever except for talking to my friends on AIM. As for my brother, he gets to go to the ASU football game with his friends.

I just don't get it. I'm never invited to anything that's significant anymore. If I am, it is so rare that it happens. Like, once a month. My brother does something every weekend. I sit at home and wish someone would call me. My parents say that I should be inviting people so that they end up inviting me. You know what, I'm sick of inviting people. I've invited people so many times, it's not even funny (except for her, I wish she could come over more). I give and I never take. Well, now, I want to take something for once. I feel so excluded. No one invites me. And when I find out that plans were made without me, I get jealous. Especially if it involves all of my best friends. I feel like I'm only invited when needed. Like, to even out teams for video games. I feel like a back-up, an extra. I shouldn't be feeling like this. I don't deserve it. I honestly think that I deserve much better.

Yet, somehow, I feel this is my fault. Maybe it's something I say to them. What do I say? I don't insult my friends unless they insult me; and we barely take it seriously. Maybe they just don't want me to come over on weekends. I don't know. Usually, they're never busy. And for all of you, I have existing proof that there are certain situations where I could have been invited, but wasn't.

1. Ryan had some friends for a sleepover, and I wasn't told about it at all.

2. David had a sleepover to his party and I wasn't invited.

3. Some days, my friends go to the YMCA and play basketball while I'm never told about it.

4. Before school, while I was actually in Arizona and everyone knew about it, Deion had friends over and I wasn't invited.

As puny as it may seem, only 4 specific events, it hurts me a lot. I'm a part of the group, and I feel so left out of things. Sure, I'm invited from time to time, but it honestly pisses me off when I'm never notified or invited.

Go ahead, criticize me for my complaints. But I can't take it anymore. I just want to be included. 2 of my best friends are going to Mountain Pointe and I'll only have the other two at Corona. Not to mention many other friends of mine are going to Marcos or Seton or Hamilton. I want to make the best of this year. My past two years have been almost hell and I can't change it now. I have to take advantage of what is ahead of me.

I hate complaining.

 

I like these friends, it's just that...I don't know.

I don't want to give up on them.

 

Something that really bothers me is the fact that people think they know what depression really is. They say, "Oh, I'm depressed," and they feel so sorry for themselves when they are actually really far from it. They use it in minor situations, maybe something small happened and they say, "It depresses me." Well, if it actually depresses you, you'd want to kill yourself because of it. I don't see you acting suicidal.

As hypocritical as I may sound, I know the feeling. There was a time last year where I actually felt so down, and so bad that I thought my life needed to end. So many things were happening at that time that I couldn't take it. My view on life was really out of it. Everyone said I was a different person. Or as Alex claims (sort of as a joke), "On the verge of suicide."

I wasn't really going to commit suicide, but I sure felt like it. Only few know what happened. Telling them brings tears to my eyes. Hell, Kristian has seen what happens when I bring it up. She has seen my reaction. You'd freak out. No one sees me cry. She saw me up to the point where I almost bursted into tears. But she stuck with me and that's why I love her so much. She's everything to me.

I don't think I'm depressed right now, but I still have moments where I just want to die. Everyone does, I suppose. I'm getting better is what I can conclude from last September.

Isn't it odd how September seems to be the most fucked up month? Hell, Green Day made a song about it; a terrorist attack took place on it, a hurricane destroyed most of New Orleans on it. It's a horrible month.

But it's also odd how because of one person, my life is so much better. How our feelings arose in September. And the thing is, it's not a bad thing. It's a great thing.

And I had a relationship last year in September too. Except...well, Chelsea ruined my life and Kristian is making it better.

I have a weird life, I must admit.

Not bad, but not great either.