Note: I am writing a short story [600 - 800 words] for class which is due next week. I thought I'd post it on here for some feedback before I hand it up. Also note, I am not too sure on the execution of the ending, thinking of trying an alternative. - Staring blankly at the shattered glass, scattered upon the cold asphalt road, Mark’s colour drained slowly from his face as the sound of sirens deafened his hearing. Barely breathing, Mark’s world fades before him as he drifts from consciousness. ~ With the sun sitting high, shining brightly in a beautiful, seamless blue sky, Mark jolts awake, sitting up with a face of shock. He has to catch his breath, from what appears to be a really bad dream, but after washing his face in the bathroom, he seems to have settled. His phone begins buzzing on the bedside table, it’s 9:17am, so it cannot be his alarm. Checking his phone, Mark see’s the face of his beautiful girlfriend Haley as she calls him. “Good morning,” he says, enthusiastically. “Morning! Sorry if I woke you. I was just wondering if we’re still making that trip to the beach today?” she asks, in a lovely warming tone. “Oh yeah! I forgot about that. I’ll get myself ready and I’ll be round your place in the next hour or so, if you’re ready?” he replies, surprising himself with how eager he sounds. “Yeah. I’ll be ready. I’ll see you soon. Love you,” responded Haley. “Love you too,” Mark replied as he hung up, falling backwards onto his bed, “this is it.” ~ Mark arrives at Haley’s home, pulling up on the driveway where her car is usually parked. At first Mark pauses, but he remembers Haley explaining to him that her brother, Eric, is borrowing her car for the day. As Mark opens the car door, Haley bursts out from the front door and runs to the car. She meets Mark in his arms. “Hey beautiful. Are you ready to go?” he asks, squeezing her tight. “Yes! I’ve been waiting for years,” chuckled Haley, sarcastically. Mark flushed, smiling. ~ Haley’s bare feet met the warm, golden sand first as she pulled Mark behind her by his hand. She skipped towards the clear, calm blue water as Mark followed along nervously behind her, running the same situation over and over in his head. She turns and faces him. “Are you alright? You seem, nervous about something,” she asks, concerned at Mark’s lack of happy demeanor. Mark pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath, “I’m fine, thanks, nothing to worry about,” he says calmly. Haley swivels, now facing the beach, and sits herself down. She pulls Mark down beside her. “Haley, can I ask you something?” asks Mark, beginning to shake from the nerves. Haley and Mark lock eyes, “sure,” she says, with her cute smile that first caught Mark’s attentions years ago when they first me. Mark exhales deeply, trying to expel the nerves as much as possible. “Wi-,” stutters Mark. He pauses. Haley places her hand on Marks knee, “what is it?” she asks. “Will you- will you marry me?” he stuttered. Haley places her hands over her mouth in shock, “oh my god!” She doesn’t think twice before wrapping her arms around Mark, jumping on him in astonishment with the happiest look on her face. Mark falls backwards onto the sand and meets Haley’s face with his own. They glance into each other’s eyes. “Yes!” she gasped. They both share a kiss on the beautiful Miami beach. ~ In a state of shock, Mark’s eyes jerk wide open. He stares blankly at the plain white ceiling whilst his brain remains puzzled. Dazed and confused, Mark sits up in his bed, only to discover it is not his bed, but the hospitals. A doctor stands on the end of his bed. “Who?- Wha?- Where’s my wife?” asks Mark, stuttering. “I’m sorry Mark, but she didn’t make it,” mourned the doctor. Mark’s colour drained slowly from his face ...
That was pretty fucking good. I really got into it halfway through. Perfect amounts of detail given; not so much that it became uninteresting but not too little that things became unclear. The ending wasn't bad.
Hmm ... interesting proposal indeed ... Maybe once I get all my work out of the way, I could work on something.