I'm new here..

Discussion in 'Serious Chat' started by Jay V117, Sep 2, 2018.

  1. #1
    Jay V117

    Jay V117 New Member

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    This is my first post on any forum website. Lately I've been looking at depression forums and the stories im reading are pretty hectic. I've been through my own shit, and, under the right circumstances my past still haunts me to this day. My parents had me when they were really young, my mom was 18 (Which I'm turning tomorrow at the time of writing this) and my dad was 21. I'm sure you can guess that they weren't expecting me. From what my dad told me they were absolutely in love, and I believe him. In most marriages it is the guy that abandons the vow but in this case it was my mother. If you knew my mom you d say she was a very beautiful and sweet girl, which she was and still is.
    Bipolar is pretty common nowadays, Bipolar with Schizophrenic tendencies not so much, to my knowledge.
    Mother also had a painful upbringing, she was the happiest with my father and his family. But because of her mental illness she thought the ones that loved her were the ones that were abusing her. She moved to Canada with her father and her brothers and sisters abandoning South Africa. She took me with, this was the most painful time in my fathers life. You may be wondering why he didn't stop her, trust me, it's a long long story and if he could have done anything he would have.
    My mothers family were all fucked up, her brothers and sisters and her father (who is a doctor). Growing up in Canada I got exposed to the shit they got into. My grandfather was always working so it was just his kids and his one grandson in the house. Drugs, cops, arrests, mental hospitals, social workers, abuse and bullying, all to say the least.
    For me at my young age, it was a battle for survival. I had to stay strong for my mom because of her mental illness, sometimes she d turn on me, hitting me and such. I had to avoid my uncles who d constantly bully me, they made my life miserable. The only way we bonded was through the Xbox, it was an escape for all of us, that's where they gave me respect. I eventually became addicted to video games, which is better than being addicted to their drugs that id find on the couch we used to play on. My life in Canada became progressively difficult, if we had to meet you could see the emotional scarring in my eyes.
    Forgive me if these words are not in a logical order, at the moment I feel nauseous and I have a headache. My family is coming over to celebrate my birthday, for many reasons I'm eternally grateful but for other reasons I'm not looking forward to it at all.
    I'm no longer in Canada, I'm now in Johannesburg South Africa. In 2012, the worst reached its peak. My earliest memory of the year was leaving school laughing with my friends and my social worker came up to me asking to point me in the direction of my mothers car. I knew what was about to happen, I pointed at the gray Corolla. Not long after there I am standing 2 yards from the police scene. My mothers face was vicious as the police put her in their cruiser. I went home with the social worker. In that time of my life I knew what had to be done and I did it without looking back. I was put in a home, I lived with another kid. It was apparently the place they put you in before you go to the orphanage.
    Do you know that moment where you have to avoid a car or something else that invokes your reflexes? That moment it all goes quiet, thats what life was like for me.
    Writing this I feel like I'm not making sense, like my story, my pain is so small, it's just a "Papercut".
    I think I mentioned just now that I am in south africa with my father, my life is much better. That's a good thing, but for some reason it just doesn't feel like home. You see, I was born and raised in and around pain so that was what nourished me. Sometimes life feels like it's too easy now, there's no challenge, it's all too easy.
    You can take a kid out of the slums but you can't take the slums out of the kid. The house in Canada was far from anying in the slums, it was a three storey expensive house but it was missing everything a home should have. I might as well have lived in the bronx.
    Remember earlier I mentioned the video game addiction, I still have it. But gaming has now become a trigger for my depression, every time I play I become negatively charged. I guess in a way I'm getting back what I want, my life in Canada.
    I don't miss being abused or living a life like that, I miss having to deal with it. All that shit is where I found my strength, and now without that shit I feel weak.
    I forgot to mention how I came across linkin park, the fucking title of the website..
    Games weren't my only escape, music was too.
    I was listening to music on my moms phone when New Divide came on, I fell in love instantly with the opening bass guitars or whatever they were. The lyrics were powerful as well.
    Since then I consider Linkin park my favorite band, I still listen to them now. They have a song for my every mood.
    Thank you Linkin Park, you got me through some of the darkest moments in my life, you've touched so many lives. If I ever have a son i think I'll name him Linkin.
    I just finished a three hour game session before this so if my English is a bit broken or slurred at parts I hope you'll know why.
    Addictions are addictions but mine I feel is a bit more. My pride is my pain and games bring it to me. It's like my subconscious is drawn to it.
    So yeah, there's plenty more stories but my auto correct is annoying the fuck out of me and I gotta go celebrate my 18th. Life isn't bad at all here but that's only exactly the problem. I'm fucked up I know lol.
    If you got this far thanks for reading
     
  2. #2
    Vdalem

    Vdalem Purrfect! LPA Super VIP

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    Greetings
     
  3. #3
    MarkzHenry

    MarkzHenry Health

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    Welcome Jay to this lp community, here are some greetings with ultimate discussions under some great circumstances..Yeah this is a right place..!
     

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