AAAAAAAND HERE THEY ARE! From what I gathered from discussion in the tournament thread, the consensus was to NOT post the theme that each poem is supposed to contain. You may vote for 3 entries. If you are the author of one of these pieces, you obviously can't vote for yourself. Please PM me with your votes and, if you wish, why you voted for each entry. At the end of the voting period (a week should suffice, yes?) I will post the results along with who voted for which piece and why. I figured that'd be a lot easier than the usual "who voted for mine?" that goes on after most competitions. I will also be posting the themes people received, and who wrote which theme. So without further ado, here are all your entries! Disclaimer: These entries are a VERY long read. Be prepared. ------------------------------------------------------------- ENTRY 1: The Curious Case Of Monkey Assassin Act I: A song I sing of my great adventure When I touch - high voltage, danger, danger Murderer, hitman, assassin, they called me But once that I started I just couldn't stop it First tricked into killing by Benjamin Linus He gave me a hundred to kill Miley Cyrus He said she was evil, working for Widmore The box was now open, I kept killing more Developed a method, never before seen When Grissom arrived the crime scene was clean With my scrotum I got'em fighting for breath My big giant balls put many to death Interlude: But those four jock turtles I'll never forget The scars from the high school, remain still today Four years of mocking me for being a monkey On the prom night I swore I will kill them one day Act II: A song I sing of my great adventure And into the greatest, tonight I will venture It's tonight or never that I will end this I don't have no time for no monkey business I'll sharpen the hairs on my balls, they will sting I'll sweat till the stench drains dry everything I'll wear no underwear, and they will swing loose To suffocate mutants my balls I will use Drinking their tea at five they will not know That into their teapot I dipped my balls They'll faint from the flavour and become my prey Finally! Revenge for my teenager days Epilogue: And I'll become famous as monkey assassin My pictures will be all over the press And Hollywood one day might make it a movie Well, that would be cool, but I digress.. ----------------------------------- ENTRY 2 Now I know that you love me and I know that you care But I think you might feel differently when you plat my ass hair If you touch my belly you would probably see it ripple It's like the motion of the ocean where the boat is my third nipple You think you can recognise me with that scent that you know But baby, that's just because I ran out of toilet paper three weeks ago You want me to be hung like a horse, but I used to play football and forgot to wear a cup Now, even with a Swedish pump and Viagra I struggle to get it up Even if platting my ass hair might sound quite cute There's more clag nuts down there than I can count because of my diarrhea If you think that sounds bad imagine how the prostitute felt After I was on top for the 69 and during the sex when I told her I had gonorrhea I've tried to impress the girls by clean shaving downstairs and I now regret it Because it grew back even thicker and now my penis looks like Tom Selleck The shaving foam gave me an allergic reaction and now all my confidence is lost Because it's now a mixture of Tom Selleck and the end of Blade 1 where Blade injects Frost I may have also forgot to mention it's not you, but the truth is I'm gay I didn't know until last weekend when I went looking for sex and paid I'm a raging homosexual and I beg you to not be upset or too mad Imagine how I felt when I was short changed by my Dad ----------------------------------- ENTRY 3: WAR RHYMES WITH PENGUINS and BANANAS So, once there were some penguins that were hungry Lonely and hungry They had spot some banana’s That had come from Indiana A penguin named Max, tried to eat one And suddenly the banana moved! It thought “Shit, what the hell, dude?” It dropped from Max’s wing So, another penguin named Dianna Picked up another fine looking banana That all of a sudden stabbed her in the eye And proclaimed “Die penguin, die!” So there were bewildered eyes These bananas were ALIVE Soon they had declared war “Stupid penguins, you will eat no more!” The bananas had a plan Poison all the penguins that they can A few weeks went by As the penguins planned too Max, had tried to step on one banana but slipped And had then acquired a lisp Those yellow coats were slippery than ice No odd number evens these penguins dice And this is the story of penguin lore a treaty was wrought, to not eat banana's anymore but that rule was disobeyed and in the end, the penguins had their way They froze each banana that came from Indiana then carried them through the ice and by the time the bananas had a chance to open their invisible eyes they had already died THE END! ----------------------------------- ENTRY 4 Flush, I wonder if it could clog Just a small part would get stuck That would be my luck. Pages flip and paper rips Toilet paper that is, I'm not done yet. Flush again, I wonder if the water will splash me, wet. I expect to hear my mother, silent at the doorway. A minute more and she will ask if I'm okay. Odd, she's not home I guess I forgot I was all alone. Thinking what I could do when done excreting. Maybe some personal fun? The magazine that is never done. Still I sit here silently reading. Oh, she's a babe, turn the page; "Hey, there's my name" What is taking so long, It must be something I ate. Something from my dinner plate. Scream and push, squeel and yell. Let's hurry up and end this Hell. Oh no, Say it ain't so. Constipation kicks in and I feel so.. Angry all of the sudden, like thousands of men Playing Xbox against nerds who yell "Pwned again!" Wait, here it comes. The Xmas Present I haz for u. It's been building and building. Oh a mountain of poo. Splash, relief. Paper rips again. Flushed away like the world at it's end. Still the feeling burns in my bowels "You've got to be kidding me" I suddenly yell. I sat and waited, alone once more. My thoughts all over, I think I smell smores. I watched a movie the other day. It involved lots of guns. Meh, it was okay. My dog is probably biting his bone I wonder how long he can be left alone As I sit on my pot, I sit on my throne. I wonder why I like to poo at home. Middle of thought, about my girlfriend and whatnot. I feel my butt charge, for a second, it stops. Then out comes a blast, like you'd never believe Like a Kamehameha wave, such a sight to be seen! Wouldn't that be odd? I just snapped back. I was thinking of TV and my mind jumped to that. Sometimes it is best, if I don't think at all. Finally I feel, Like I can produce no more. I finish the deed and pull up my shorts. What a bad experience, Such an internal crime I can't wait till I poo normal next time! ----------------------------------- ENTRY 5: The Dark Knight "I'm getting sick of this shit," said Batman, Who is now in his late seventies. "Can't Someone do something about The Joker?" Just then, a lovely young lady spoke, her Eyes emerald green, glowing in the dim ward, "I've told you, Bruce, that he can be ignored." He threw his arms above his head and said, "That's easy for you to say! You're not dead!" But the lovely young lady shrugged him off, And before the old man could even scoff, She pointed out that he was alive, too. So it was then that impatient he grew Until he started shouting down the hall, "You wait! One day, he'll try to kill us all!" Defeated, Batman went back to his room, Certain The Joker was planning his doom, And since he is seventy-eight years old, He fell asleep under sheets that were cold. Meanwhile, in the room adjacent to Bruce, The Joker had zero thoughts of a truce. He spoke, "Yes, green eyes, I know I'm crazy, But that old fool is just being lazy. That idiot had the chance to put me Away for a very long time, but see, He'd have had to go to jail, too, you know." And the green-eyed girl, whose eyes were aglow, Asked The Joker what he was speaking of. "Ha, well, his sidekick fit him like a glove, If you know what I mean." He laughed loudly. "He'd never admit it; he's too proud." He He laughed again, his Chelsea smile gone, He winced in a way, and then he went on, "'Robin,' 'Boy Wonder,' whatever he's called, Only served Batman because he had balls." But the aide was aghast, sure she heard wrong: Batman, the Dark Knight, had a thing for dong? "Not only that," said The Joker, bemused, "They say that, Dick Grayson, he was abused." The aide laughed aloud, it couldn't be true: Batman – Bruce Wayne – the man she thought she knew. And the Old Folks Home was quiet no more: Batman decided to settle the score. But there was one small flaw in his new plan: He just couldn't prove that it was a scam, That he'd used Dick to keep kids off the street. They'd see Batman and they'd stare at their feet, Not wanting to make eye contact with the man, Afraid he'd kidnap them in an old van, Steal them away to his battered old cave With no intentions of having them saved. No matter what he said, she didn't care: "You still stripped that poor boy till he was bare!" His retort didn't help, and not one bit, "Yeah, that's exactly what I did to Dick, But it was to keep kids inside at night While I was out, dressed up as the Dark Knight, Fighting The Joker with those pumpkin bombs." And it was then she knew his mind was gone. So the two went at it, day after day, Neither of them with a nice word to say. The Joker called Batman a pedophile, And Batman made fun of his Chelsea smile. Shouting obscenities through all the walls, And screaming bad words while out in the halls. And Dick Grayson showed up, he had a gift For the old man who had played with his dick: A deck of cards with the joker on top, And, just in case Batman ever forgot, A photo of Rachel, the day she died, To prove that The Joker really had lied He meant to kill Bruce, not Rachel, the fool, But instead he went after Dent, the tool. The Joker was mad, he killed all his friends To make sure they didn't fail him again. But Batman saw through this clever disguise And crushed Grayson's head in between his thighs. He thought that would prove it to the whole world: "I never pretended he was a girl!" But that statement caused an uproar that day, It was proof the Dark Knight really was gay. The Joker antagonized till he died, And all Bruce would ask was, "Oh, God, please! Why?" The Joker loved this; he thought it was great: Bruce Wayne thought he would get to second base? Is that why he turned to Robin instead? But of course, the young fool ended up dead. A spy all along, The Joker just laughed, Even though Batman was giving the shaft To the man he had put in the Batcave; It was a secret he took to his grave. Batman lived longer, but he didn't care, For he had too much shame, it wasn't fair That The Joker got to die all alone While Batman was surrounded by nine phones: "Give us an interview, please, if you would, About how you gave young Robin your wood." "Oh, God, for fuck's sake, just leave me alone! I just want to die in the Old Folks Home!" Bruce slipped further into senility, Lashing out with increased hostility Against those who changed his bedding each day. "I'll bet The Joker has nothing to say. Hey, you card, how you doing over there?" He never heard anything but despair In his voice. The Joker was dead, or did He escape? "Have to find out what he did." Batman shouted out the window, "Hey, Jokes, You out there? The old hag got us some smokes. Get in here, have one with me, like old times." But nothing appeared except more laugh lines Since Batman was laughing himself insane. Turning to mush slowly was his old brain. The Joker was gone and Batman was, too, In the Old Folks Home since twenty-oh-two. It was then he realized just what it meant: He thought of Ol' Jokes, he pitched a tent — Pulling his knees up to his chest, grasping His legs, he saw his old face...the last thing. ----------------------------------- ENTRY 6: Dancing kills... We've seen everything Chacha, Foxtrot, Jive Jitterbug, jitterbug and a dance I could only identify as a "Ballroom slip 'n' slide" I could barely stop winding, holding back snorts an giggles up until we met the great ms. jiggles. I wasn't quite sure what to make of what I had seen Had she given the judges a lapdance? One for all three?...at the same time... Well, shaken and shocked, the next contestant came soaring in... and he soared right back out. I think I saw rollerblades...without a doubt He must've had stagefright, good for us At least until we were confronted with a man called guss. He bragged about what he called "rhythmic skill" When I knew, that was what junkies called: "Saturday night at the club with pills" We didn't know how to act, when he took down the first camerablock nor what we could do, as the whole building began to rock. Back and forth, back and forth >>> In the 15th story of Mtv's favorite casting spot. Who knew guss could actually tear down the house? Surviving along with only the judges... Well, the contest was over, the choices were, unvoluntarily made And guss was the winner of the first Mtv danceoff that day. ----------------------------------- ENTRY 7: If You Thought The Matrix Had A Confusing Plot Line, You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet Now this is a story all about how, The LPA got turned upside down, On a warm day in May the controversy began, When the married smilies started gettin' it on, It all caved in when :Wub: loved :Wave:, But :Wave: had feelings for a :Sorcerer:, 'Dave', Dave loved all from : Pope: to the :Clover:, But there's only one person that : Pope: would bend over, Unluckily for him :Mike: got along with :Chicken:, So : Pope: decided to settle for :Whistlin':, :Whistlin': blew for her toy boy :Sad:, Who lost :Innocent: to the heart-throb :Brad:, Now : Paperbag: lost confidence after :Bounce:, Decided to bounce all around the crowd, : Phone: had sex via intercom with :Hypo:, Who, at the time, was in bed with :Joe:, :Chester: was pimp and gave :Flowers: to the :King:, Which made :Mad: madder than he ever had been, Luckily his wife : Peace: decided not to leave him, Even after :Flowers: had left him feeling, :Geek:, who was meek and sweet, 'Til :Mad: had let curiousity peak, :Censored:, was the first on the scene, And promised :Mad: to blur out everything, If :Mad:, could get him closer to :Kiss:, Who he thought wasn't right for :Sick:, 'Cause :Sick: was a cheat, wasn't meek and sweet, Had it in for this generic chick called :Eek:, Who was having threesomes with the :Hug: group, But these threes turned fours with :Thumbsup:, And :Withstupid: the four turned into five, Weird sex scenes including signs, :Alien: had a thing with :Mellow:, But ended up more grey than yellow, :Surrender: gave herself up, to : Pirate:, Who raided her treasure chest and left her looser than a sweater-vest, :Blush: almost had :Sleeping: when she woke up, Then embarrassment struck and there was no good stuff, This meant :Sleeping: went back to :Sleep:, Who always produced in the evening, : PCWhack:, did just that, Over the thought of :Lol: snorting crack of his back, But no one was into stranger things than :Excl:, Who pleased :Kicking: with love utensils, :Excl: made : Disgust: show her name, By making her watch his strange sex games, While :Cloud: also watched and played with his sword, In the same room were :Shifty: and :Unsure:, :Offtopic: went down to a porn store, Where : Devil: and :Bookread: met back in '04, :Rolleyes: started up a swingers club, And a load of punctuation faces turned up, Roll on :Roll: and :Blink:, Who were lesbians, but still liked :King:, But his story has been laid out, So step up :Santa: for the next bout, He had an affair with :Zorro:, :Closedeye: and : Pheonix: though that ended in sorrow, Due to : Pheonix:'s love for :Wacko:, And their unhealthy obsession for sex and tobacco, :Angry: would get with anyone he could hit, To release the emotional pain of his... zit, :Teehee: flipped on :Cry: after a couple of beers, Though it was :Nuke: that helped :Hmm: get filled with : Ph34r:, :Teehee: had believed :Ermm: at the pub, But he'd been lying so they'd break up, 'Cause :Ermm: loved :Cry: so damn much, Though he made :Cool:'s day when used his touch, :Shutup: and ( w00t) completed the groups, And so that left :Rob:, :Confused:. Now :Ninja:, was the jealous type, And took his revenge with the greatest of spite, Started out by chin checkin' :Mike:, Removed :Sick:'s arms with complete delight, Then :Wave:, not one to start a fight, Hit :Ninja: and found out what his heart looked like, Next :Ninja: hit up the swingers club, And clubbed the punctuation into the mud, : Geek: got scared when he heard the news, So he ended his life hanging down from a noose, When :Ninja: found :Excl: he choked out his air, But :Excl: kinda liked it and so didn't care, Next :Flowers: lost her petals and :King: was decrowned, :Cloud:'s sword got snapped with a "Who's tough now!?" Shuriken's were thrown, more lives were lost, Until life on the LPA just stopped, Body parts littered the forum floor, The Association wasn't safe anymore, So the members left, leaving :Ninja: alone, He looked out as his kingdom, as he sat on :King:'s throne. (Editor's note: In case you haven't noticed, these are supposed to be smileys. If for some odd reason you would like to read it with all the smileys intact, just go through and uncapitalize each name or format them the way they should be. I can't be arsed to do so ) ----------------------------------- ENTRY 8 Sailing through rough waters, I've never known joy Though sometimes in my box I pretend I'm a fish No cares in the world as I scream land ahoy But still can't afford a sattelite dish One day, while fighting hobos, I looked around to see My own destiny staring back at me The winning lottery numbers, could it really be? "No way" said another hobo, Steve I dashed for the ground, I knew what it was about The other hobos went to block my route "Frank, you're gonna get knocked the fuck out!" Needless to say I recovered the ticket Forty Million Dollars would soon be mine Enough to turn around my life and fix it Enough to turn back the hands of time I took it down to the nearest party store Only to discover that I needed more An address is what they asked for Then they kicked me out the door Now my ass is sore and I'm still fucking poor So now I sit and sulk in my own disease Nothing to my name but this box and these leaves. ----------------------------------- ENTRY 9 Ooga Booga! Hello! My name is Magrude! In all of the tribe I'm the most awesomest dude! This story of mine would be funny to tell If we weren't all dead being burned in hell! It all started off when I was hunting for food! Why me? Because I'm that badass Magrude! In any case I ran off with my hunting stick! I run rather awkwardly due to my large... stick! So while searching for meat, imagine my surprise When the largest of birds roared out of the skies! It was the size of a village! It took lots of room! When it fell to our island and went kaboom! The smoke cloud was large, the heat was so hot I got so fucking scared that I pissed myself on the spot! After my pee had dried (a long time for that, it took) I decided to go explore and take a look! Careful I was, through the smoke I did peek Although I'm sure it was dead, I dareth not speak Until to my horror I saw the cast of Dawson's Creek! (I know I'm a native to a tribe which does not watch television But I mean Seriously I'm being tortured in hell Like Come on This is all we have to watch down here I mean, the first season was okay and all but I don't see what the big fuss is all about It's a pretty crappy show And you imagine having to watch that show for eternity It fucking sucks. Well, anyways...) They had somehow survived the destruction on board What I learned was a plane, like a bird that soared! They were evil, a menace, on my soul they had gorged! Until I welcomed them, our new WB Primetime Overlords! (Okay so they didn't exactly devour my soul But they did torture me a lot Okay so they didn't exactly torture me a lot But it did hurt quite a bit. Okay so it didn't hurt at all Katie Holmes is hot, alright? Jeez get off my ass about it.) I took my masters back to visit my tribe! Where they won my people over with some real hefty bribes! They soon took over the island, they were never dare crossed! Although they did have to kill the cast and crew of Lost! (Which also, coincidentally enough, plays on infinite loop in hell) Through some magical process which I don't understand The Dawson crew's next step was to install some broadband! Magic! Sorcery! These were the stories of fable! Although I do wish we had instead gotten cable! They got a computer to use, with Ubuntu Linux (Which they also use in hell, and it quite literally sux) Through youtube and facebook the Dawson's Creek crew Announced to the world that they'd be filming anew! Some people laughed, some cheered, some got mad and cried! Some argued on whether it was a fabricated lie! It was a topic debated throughout all the mass media! Until it was confirmed on the article on Wikipedia! By this time world leaders were starting to get testy! Especially if the new timeslot interfered with My Own Worst Enemy! The US argued that they'd rather have Saved By The Bell! To which Russia exclaimed that they'd rather go to hell! Canada came out to say that Russia was a hater! In response, the Russians assassinated AC Slater! That was the final straw, he was a national treasure! So the US enacted their desperate final measure! The Russians were prepared with their nuclear subbies! But they weren't at all prepared to be bombarded with Teletubbies! "Fire ze meesiles!" the Russian dude barked! And I'm getting tired of using exclamation marks! Diplomacy was destroyed, the world went kabloo-ed! And all because of me, the awesome Magrude! So if there's a lesson to be learned from this awesome dude It's that nothing is worth seeing Katie Holmes boobs. (I mean, I guess it was worth it. She's pretty cute. Although I don't see why she had to marry Tom Cruise. And it was kind of awkward with Joshua Jackson there. He seriously creeped me out. Oh shit he's back, GET ME OUT OF HERE!)
The majority of these made me laugh out loud for a while. It was amazing. I hope this competition is a success. I better get a billion PMs with votes, bitch.
I'm sending brain waves into peoples minds so they'll vote for me... no... not really Every one one them is awesome
I was looking at that theme before I sent it out, thinking, "damn that's gonna be impossible to pull off." But lo and behold, that person delivered so fucking well.
I know it was me who originally suggested otherwise but it probably would be better if we could see the themes as well as the poems. For instance, I like the last one, but I'm not completely sure what it's supposed to be about.
Well, in case you wanted to know the themes for the entries: Entry 1: A story about an assassin monkey who uses his giant balls to suffocate his enemies, who's priority is to destroy each of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Entry 2: An anti-love poem trying to DESPERATELY turn someone off of you by highlighting all the wacky details about yourself. Entry 3: Bananas going to war with Penguins. Entry 4: Daydreaming on the toilet seat. Entry 5: Batman and The Joker have reached retirement and are continuing their antagonism towards one another whilst occupying neighboring rooms in a care home. Entry 6: Being the judge of a dancing competition sponsored by MTV where all of the contestants are awful. Entry 7: The smileys here at the LPA begin having affairs...and the ninja does NOT like it. Tough shit for the rest of them. Entry 8: The sorrow felt by a homeless man who wins the lottery, but can not claim the fortune due to laws requiring winners have a mailable address. Entry 9: A small band of natives stumble across a crashed private jet and accidentally set off a series of events that may cause global thermonuclear war.