My Best Assay

My Best Assay

Turn away this might get ugly
Nasty fights with 'mommy'.
No that wasn't meant to be funny.
Never a winner, only loss of dignity,
Turn away thing's aren't pretty.

And this is my life,
Fight after fight.
Night after night,
Neverending struggle off the knife.

Turn away I don't want you to see,
What goes on inside my 'family.
Nothing it seems will ever be easy,
I've got to make this better for me.

And this is my life,
Fight after fight.
Night after night,
Neverending struggle off the knife.

This time I'll win,
This time you will give in.
Once again we'll be kin,
until we let the whole thing begin,
again.

And this is my life,
Fight after fight.
night after night,
Finally done for a little while.
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Note. I was very mad when I wrote this. I have given up cutting and I've been trying to write something like this for a bit of a time, explaining the struggle I have with not cutting and my family treating me crappy. I am very thankful I have this outlet as a vent.

--Elaine

 

i think this is pretty good. i can feel you anger and frustration in this one but i do have one little problem..i think you are trying too hard to rhyme. it's not a really bad thing and i still find it hard not to rhyme in my poems. however, i feel in this one it is taking away from the raw emotion you are trying to get across and it is alittle too forced.

still, i think it is really good. if you wanted to, i think reworking it alittle would be benificial and if you do decide to rework it, i would love to read it!

anyway, good job!

 

Nice work, not the prettyest poem but it does convey the anger and rage and frstration you were feeling well. Good work.

 

Definately did a good job.

 

Actually, the rhyming just kind of happened.

I didn't mean for it to seem forced.

If I can find better words to use, will rework it. If not, then it stays how it is.

<3<3 Thanks for the comments guys.

--Elaine

 

i still think it is pretty damm good the way it is! so if reworking it takes away from the rawness of it, don't do it.

can't wait to see more of your stuff!