Shattered heart

Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by bleeding rose, May 4, 2005.

  1. #1
    bleeding rose

    bleeding rose Well-Known Member

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    I did this in a couple of minutes...So it aint one of my best but please reply ;)

    Why you looking at me like that?
    Is it my face you’re staring at?
    My eyes are puffy,
    My nose is red,
    I think you can see,
    The sadness in me,

    Why did you let me go?
    Didn't you love me so?
    Was it all a lie?
    I can't remember,
    Clear my memory,
    So that I can see clearly,

    I miss you,
    I love you,
    Forgive my mistakes,
    I needed a break,
    I want you back,
    So do come back,

    I promise to be the perfect one,
    Accept me,
    Or reject me,
    But I will never,
    Be able to live without you,
    So let not death spare me.

    R&R please ^_^
     
  2. #2
    sickcycle

    sickcycle Well-Known Member

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    It lacks imagery, a certain punch that poems need to keep people interested in them. More descriptive words would help, plus you don’t have to, but I always found talking in metaphors, however obvious, is more poem-like then just coming out and saying, "I love you, but you hate me, why did you lie?" Not to be to harsh, for constructing the poem in just a few minutes it's pretty good, the lines

    I promise to be the perfect one,
    Accept me,
    Or reject me,
    But I will never,
    Be able to live without you,
    So let not death spare me.

    Rock, so keep wirting man :thumbsup:
     
  3. #3
    Tom

    Tom LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

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    wow nice 1 rose , good poem needs more descripitive words , hope you keep writeing , keep ur the gd work. :D
     
  4. #4
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    Pretty good poem but i agree it is not one of your best since you just wipped it up in a few minutes. More descripiton is needed. Also sorry to say it but i don't really like the first verse at all. Something about it. The way it was written doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem. A revised resion of this could be great. Keep writting.
     
  5. #5
    Tom

    Tom LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

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    i think a rose of pain is ur best 1 ;)
     
  6. #6
    fallenangel

    fallenangel Well-Known Member

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    i have to agree with this but use this emotion that you are feeling to reconstruct this poem and i think it will be really powerful.

    anyways, not bad for doing it in only a few mins! keep it up! i would love to see the new version of it, if you plan to do one. ^_^
     
  7. #7
    lp_sk8ergurl

    lp_sk8ergurl Well-Known Member

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    Well done.
     

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