Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by Babali, Oct 12, 2009.

  1. #1

    Babali Well-Known Member

    Jun 18, 2008
    Likes Received:

    Something I wrote and then manipulated a little bit for fun to make it look a little more interesting. Enjoy. :)

    by Babali Boon

  2. #2

    TRANSLYDE Well-Known Member

    Mar 1, 2008
    Likes Received:

    I'd like to make a disclaimer before I respond to this topic, because I know I will probably seem shamelessly critical. The thing is I hate readers that sugarcoat; I'm glad when people think my poetry is nice but I want to hear how I can improve, not what's perfect about it. So please know that I'm only raping your poem because I know that's what I'd want people to do for my poetry.

    It was a little difficult to read because of the ways in which you manipulated the text. I'm still trying to figure this poem out but your use of thingitude is very evident. I'd almost call this poem (in terms of subject matter and flow) schizophrenic; is that the effect you were going for? That said, if schizophrenia is what you wanted to evoke, the things you've done visually for the poem really contribute to that effect.

    Also, was the rhyme in the first two lines of the last stanza intentional? I also just noticed one between "mind" and "rewind." So again, was there a purpose for that?

    What I like about the poem is you have some lines in there that are very novel and genuine mixed with common motifs of American lyricism, as if this is the amalgamation of various consciousnesses. This too has led me to believe there are some split personalities at work here.

    My favorite lines from this poem are the following:
    1. "Eyes like broken cameras/Trying to photograph the boom" - I enjoy the image evoked here; it has this feeling that the subjects of this stanza witnessed something extraordinary or maybe they saw some tragic incident unfold, but sight is only as perfect as where you're looking at a given moment, and memory makes it so witnesses are not always the most reliable.
    2. "He didn't die, he rose to HEAVEN that day" - This really struck me, and I don't know why. Something about this line is really American, very Bible belt, very blue collar. And I don't mean that in a hokey, satirical way; for me it brings to mind poor farmers of an earlier time, like from The Grapes of Wrath. I really like that for some reason, because it gives a sense of reality and down-to-earthness, in spite of or maybe because of its mention of heaven.

    I'd like to see what else you've got. This poem has its ups and downs like any other. I'd also like to hear some answers to my questions, so that if I may, I will work with you in refining this.
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2009

Share This Page