The Advice Thread (formerly GSYWTLO)

Sarah if anything, it sounds like he is embarrassed by your pregnancy, and more than likely, its because he doesn't want to discuss over and over again that the baby is not his, and yet you are a couple anyway. I can't find any other reason why he would try to hide you in public situations.

You need to just ask him, and if that is indeed the case, you really need to decide if you are willing to let him continue to treat you, and later on, your daughter, with that lack of respect. He knew you were pregnant when you got involved, and he chose to have a life with you anyway. He either needs to step up and be a man, and be okay with the decision he has made, or you need to focus on what is going to be best for you, and it seems that being without him might be your only option.

 

I agree with a lot of the advice given above me, but I would like to point out that I think it's kind of disrespectful to tell someone 'wear a rubber next time'.

Jeeze, we all know there are other ways people get pregnant on accident. That's just rude.

 

It might be rude, but the world would be in a better situation if people would make smarter decisions instead of having kids when they aren't prepared.

 

I wasn't offended at all though and I would've said something if I was...

 

+1

At the end of the day anything that's said here with regards to your pregnancy Sarah is said only because we want you to be the best mother you can be. You obviously know it's not gonna be an easy task bringing up a kid but we just want to help you in the right direction. You're rather young to be having a child so it's vital you hear various points of views so that you have as much help as possible being a good mother which we're all confident you can be.

 

Okay so, my best friend Rachel is currently secretly dating a 34 year old father and husband.

She is turning 18 in less than a month. Rachel is by no means an outgoing person so this is extremely odd for me to even begin to grasp. She's only ever had one, obnoxious, immature boyfriend. And suddenly, she confides in me telling me about her situation. She's quite happy.

I am quite repulsed. The guy (Mark) is 34 friggin years old. Almost twice her age. And he's married with a toddler. From what I've heard he has no intention of getting a divorce anytime soon and figuring things out with the child. She told me about things about 3 months ago and I've been stewing over it for a long time, just letting it get to me because I don't know what to say. She seems very happy with him, and he seems very happy with her. But honestly...how can something like that ever work out? Rachel is shy and whatnot...she doesn't even stand up to her parents (for example, all of my friends and her were hanging out, but they told her no because it was snowing a little. I told her that she should just leave and come hang out with us because she has her own car, but she didn't because she didn't wanna upset them/get in trouble.) And yet she expects that as soon as she's 18, that what, they're going to come out with their relationship and her parents will accept it? Her father told her he would kick her out of the house if she got a tattoo- and he wasn't kidding. How the hell would they react to this?

Basically, I'm kinda wondering what everyone thinks I should say. I want to just not say anything because it will drive a wedge between me and Rachel and our friendship and as screwed up as it is she's HAPPY...but I know that I'm the only person who knows and it kind of seems like it's my responsibility to say something to her, about how I feel about it and about how the HELL they plan on making this work? I'm just so...upset, disappointed, repulsed...how can she be tearing that family apart? It seems like she doesn't think that's what she's doing because I don't "understand the situation" but I don't care what the details are. Shouldn't it be simple enough that she's being a home wrecker? That she's sneaking around with a married man, who has a young child to care for? Not only that, I know that they kiss and stuff...they don't have sex because that's very illegal but I know that it's her intention to do so as soon as she's 18.

What the hell do I say to her? And how can I approach this so that I don't ruin our friendship?

 

What the..? I know that you and her are best friends and that she confides in you. It may be tough to say, but yeah. Tell her that what she's doing is Very very wrong, and that it will only end horribly as it continues. If she's stubborn about it, let it know that shes a home wrecker and that only pain and anger, upsetness and betrayal is the only thing coming out of it, leaving three people lonely.

How do you confront her? When she confides in you, show disapproval. When she asks whats wrong, tell her that it really makes you unsure on what she's doing. If she continues to ask, tell her that you know what she's doing is wrong and should stop and tell her shes being a home wrecker. A very terrible one. Even if she claims to be happy, in the end, she'll be way worse off.

So be disapproving.
Tell her you feel its very wrong
Say why.
Say something that means she'll be hurt and so will everyone in the end if she keeps going to see him.

It isn't that you "dont understand the situation" its knowing what a home-wrecker does.

It'll likely NOT workout because it's so...just wrong.

Her parents won't accept it.

I'm also willing to bet the guy is just using her as a young-gal kind of thing. =\.

Sorry for the cut-edit job. I was trying to keep the key points standing out for my reply. ><

 

Yeah, thanks Mavvy. I suppose it IS as simple as that. I'm just afraid that she won't care and won't listen to me at all. After all she's in "love" with this guy, and he "loves" her too.

Yeah, I think it's due time I intervene...

 

Intervene immediately! The guy's married with no intention of getting a divorce and sounds to me that he's only using your friend Rachel as his mistress. As her friend you have an obligation to protect your friend especially if she's only 18 in a month. Would what happen if Mark's wife found out about Rachel and Mark? If I was her I would want Rachel's head on a stick. You are right, she has no idea what the situation is and she needs to know desperately.

You need to approach her in the calmest way possible and say to her something like "Look I'm doing this to protect you, as a friend but you have to see what you're doing to this family..." And I would dig into her seriously, but try and put it the nicest way possible, reminding her that you're not attacking her in anyway.

Does that help?

 

Arlene, you don't intervene. At all. I know she's your friend, but you have to take a back seat on this one and let her find out the hard way. If you do anything, it will only come back to kick YOU in the ass. Even if you try, she'll deny it and you'll probably lose a friend no matter the outcome.

 

Ahh! Streesss. Haha. Part of me completely agrees with you Sarah, but part of me agrees with Mike, and I just want her to figure it out herself. I don't know.

 

Ahhh thats a tough one Arlene. I think you should inform her how you feel about it but have that be it. let her decide what she should do. and as 11:55 said you will probably lose a firend if you try to hard.

 

Let me tell a story. Though it differs a bit from your situation, it kind of has the outcome that if I would have kept my nose clean, everything wouldn't have been as bad as they were.

When I was like 15, I dated this girl for 2 months. I made the mistake of bringing her around my friends. I thought it would be neat to have a big group thing. We were all young, dumb, and pretty much unstable with how the direction of our friendships were going. I had 3 really good friends, and after I had broken up with her (in a pissed off rage), one of my friends started dating her the next day, and my other (best) friend sided with the both of them in the whole ordeal. Instead of letting everything go and letting my friends find out how she really was, I stuck my nose in there and tried to tell them up front and it only made things worse. She cheated on my friend (who started dating her after me) with my (former) best friend, and no one had found out any of that and how she really was until it actually happened. By that time, I had already done my part in practically destroying whatever friendships I had in trying to tell them what was coming and how she was.

It took me over a year to rebuild my friendships with them again after she was already out of the picture. That's something I wish I would have never went through, but am glad that I did because we won't make those mistakes again (I hope). The thing you need to do, Arlene, is be there for her without encouraging her. You know it's wrong, but if you intervene you could possibly destroy whatever friendship you have with her no matter the outcome. She will see the light one day, but you can't approach her with the "it's wrong and you should stop now".

 

Okay so I kind of took both bits of advice in what I decided to do. I had decided to step back and let things roll, but then the guy Mark sent me a message on facebook saying:
"Arlene.... ive wanted to talk to you... to tell you although what we have might look weird and god knows your opinions of me... but i assure you im not out to hurt Rachel or use her. what i have for her is real and unique. i hold her so high in my life and what she is.... the feelings i have will never die. I love her. She loves me. its crazy how all this happened and all. I wasnt going to write id rather say it in person but i dont think you'd mind either way. I know she wants to tell you things and how happy she is. but there is so much more and a lot is so complicated. just know im not a bad person or a creep. she is the last person on the planet id ever want to hurt. i hope you believe me and i told her i would tell you some stuff. I hope to meet you soon... she holds you very high in her life. talk soon.. take care "

So I had to reply to him...so I decided to give him a piece of my mind. I will not rant and rave to Rachel though because I don't wanna screw up our friendship, which Mike, you're right about that. So I replied to Mark:
"Mark, honestly, I don't know what you want me to say to you. I believe you that what you and Rachel have is real and you love each other- I don't doubt that, I fully believe in true love. However, that does NOT mean that I agree with it, am happy with it, or think that it's right. I don't give a damn what the situation is and that I don't know all the details. All I know is that you are married and you have a child. Period. I don't care if your wife is a dumb bitch who doesn't treat you right or is a crack whore who doesn't love you. Unless you are going through the motions of getting a divorce and figuring out what is to happen with your child, I honestly don't care. All I see it as Rachel is being a home wrecker. She is the other woman breaking up a family. I love Rachel to death and that's why I care so much. However, I also value my friendship with Rachel and I know that this WILL drive a huge wedge between us if I pursue this any further- because I know she wouldn't listen to a word I have to say (not because it's her, but because most girls do that.)

So that's what I'm leaving you with. I'm not going to bitch about this, or bitch to Rachel about it about how wrong I think it is (I will show her that I disapprove but I will not say anything), because I'm not willing to sacrifice our relationship. I want you to know that, no, I don't think you're a jerk or a bad person because I don't know you and Rachel loves you so you can't be a complete ass hole. However, what the two of you are doing is wrong and I do not agree with it. Again, unless you're going to end your marriage anytime soon, this is wrong, and you both know it."

Precise, honest, bitchy, and I'm not getting completely in their business. Hopefully he'll hear me a little bit at least. If you guys wanna know what he says lemme know, haha.

Thanks for the advice guys...I think this may prove to be helpful? In that I got to bitch to someone but it wasn't my best friend- it was right to the offender. So yeah. Thanks!

EDIT: "i appreciate your honesty.... thats all i asked. and ill let it go. thanks for your time and just know id never hurt her "

That's all he said. Idiot.

 

^ If he had any sort of the right mind he would leave either his wife or Rachel for the other IMHO.

Is it just me or is it wrong to make a pregnant woman walk 15 minutes in 40 deg heat and refuse to pick her up from the shops ("You're pregnant not disabled!" (Dispite my pregnancy I also have gallstones)) while nothing productive is being done at home? Was I right to threaten to leave the relationship between my bf and me yesterday?

I dug into him severely yesterday for not picking me up from the shops because of the heat outside hadn't died down at all, I had sore feet and a sore back. Then I dug into him about the whole not attending my birthing classes which I STILL think he was being a total ass towards me, my sister and my child. How was he suppose to know when I go into labour and what to do? What happened if there were complications in my labour and he didn't know what to do? Is he going to piss off to Portland while I'm in labour? What happened if I was in labour while he was in Portland and 'had no way getting back because Simon (his friend) was too drunk to drive? I threatened to leave the relationship yesterday, based on these questions and a few more. I called him a lazy c***t and walked away. My mother and stepfather are waiting to dig into him about EVERYTHING including his embarrassment about my pregnancy. He finds it cheesy cos I update my pregnancy status on facebook to friends who I can only contact via Facebook i.e. Tabitha who lives in Broken Hill. I told him that pregnancy was a beautiful thing and regardless of who the father is, it is a beautiful thing, and pregnancy should be celebrated and seen as a pretty thing. I told him why my mum takes pregnancy photos of me - because out of the many years to come, it only lasts 40 weeks of the coming years.

I want to leave him - but I don't know what side of me is saying that, rational Sarah or hormonal pregnant Sarah? But at the same time, he's going out of his way to find me a place where we are away from our housemate when he gets back on Monday. But at the same time, I want to make this relationship last. How can I make our relationship last or am I just in self-denial?

 

Sarah I honestly think it's your hormonal side talking...I mean, take it easy on the guy. How long have you two been together? Remember he just kinda jumped into your relationship and it got serious very quickly because of your pregnancy and that would make things kinda difficult for him. Yknow? Although I do agree that he shouldn't have left you waiting around...had he said he would pick you up?

And I agree that Mark should leave one of them. He seems extremely immature.

 

No he just told me it was my own fault for being out and doing Christmas shopping and that I should just deal with it.

 

...That's kinda insensitive and dumb. I dunno..hmm