The Forgotten History of the Earth - The Four

Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by D_A_V_I_D, Aug 29, 2005.

  1. #1
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    Well this is an interesting one, telling a storey, which i don't think i've really done before, anyway it is pretty free form, though it rhymes in places it isn't really inteded to rhyme. Hope you enjoy it
    P.S. It's pretty long, Please don't be put off by that :unsure:

    The Forgotten History of the Earth - The Four

    This is a story,
    Of a time long ago,
    In a time when the people could love,
    And joy filled the world,
    When the world was healthy,
    And people respected their fellow man,
    A time of peace and harmony,
    A time when love ruled all.

    And there lived an immortal race,
    Who lived at one with nature,
    Saw the beauty in all,
    For they were the creators,
    Caring for the Earth,
    In friendship and love,
    Creating a perfect world,
    That they could call home.

    But amongst the creators,
    There were outcasts so different,
    Those who couldn’t feel love or joy,
    There was few were not like the rest,
    They were Emotional lepers,
    Blind and deaf,
    Who loathed those so joyful,
    And yearned for their demise and death.

    There was exactly four born this way,
    Locked and hidden away,
    Each slightly different,
    But still mostly the same,
    But one felt hate, stronger than all else,
    The others heart, was filled with distrust,
    The third felt greed, the need to have more,
    While the fourth remained quiet but longed for death above all.

    So they all drew up their plans,
    So cunning and deceitful,
    Ready to put an end to a race,
    In which they could never exist,
    So they embedded a seed,
    In the heart of all their people,
    Which would corrupt them all,
    Make them puppets for them to master.

    And all of them were gripped by a cold hand,
    And The Four’s evil broke their souls,
    And even though they fought,
    All their old memories were drowned,
    Their plan was too perfect,
    They lost who they were,
    And those who resisted,
    Were slaughtered where they stood.

    And each man was taken,
    By the powers of The Four,
    And each of their strongest emotions,
    Rose up in them all,
    And all those who once,
    Only felt love and joy,
    Were formed into The Four’s image,
    And were changed on the inside.

    They began to hate what they saw,
    Instead of rejoice,
    They distrusted each other,
    Forgetting the friendship before,
    Greed built up inside them,
    And they constantly needed more,
    And they lost immortality,
    Instead death lay in all.

    Then The Four rose up,
    Into the heavens above,
    To be gods for their people,
    The race they had created with no love,
    And they watched as the world re-began,
    But this time in much haste,
    And the people did not know how to love,
    But greed and malice took its place.

    And the word they once loved,
    Was slowly torn apart,
    Creating towers from wood, metal and stone,
    A place where they could gain safety and call home,
    And slowly they destroyed what was around them,
    As the 4 intended,
    They were being eaten away from the inside,
    But this they could not see.

    For they had become as blind and numb as their creators,
    They were slowly punishing themselves,
    And generation after generation,
    Corruption only became embedded deeper in their hearts,
    For what they saw as progress,
    The Four knew would lead to ruin,
    For they were not leading their own life,
    But a life so carefully planned out.

    But then every so often,
    An outcast is born, not like the rest,
    Who can see the love that’s missing,
    And isn’t controlled by The Four,
    But they can’t exist in a world so corrupted,
    Can’t live in a world controlled by spite,
    So they go past and die unnoticed,
    And The Four master plan is never delayed.

    Until the day, the world finally collapses,
    The slow process if finally complete,
    The Four will watch over,
    Carefully controlling us all,
    Making us destroy everything,
    Without us even questioning why,
    For their plan is so flawless,
    And we are so blind.
     
  2. #2
    Kate

    Kate beat me senseless LPA Super Member

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    It's pretty good...I love the idea. And your rhymes don't jar, they fit quite nicely...that's a rarity. However, there's a few lines that are either a few syllables too short or long...it needs a little tightening.

    Otherwise, good work.
     
  3. #3
    fallenangel

    fallenangel Well-Known Member

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    david this is really good! it's a fantastic and more original idea than i have seen for a long time!

    i loved this paragraph the most. there is just something in the way it's described...


    the way you view human nature and describe it is amazing.
    well done, this is fantastic work! ;)
     
  4. #4
    Linja

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

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    I love this. It reminds me of Highlander... And I wanted to mention that there are a few spelling errors in the poem... But never mind, this is really good. I love the way it's somewhat like a story, and keep it up.
     
  5. #5
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    Yer i realise this, but it was 12:30 at night, and i was trying to finish it, i'll try to smooth it out a bit more when i get time.
    Oh and sorry if there are spelling mistakes, could some please point them out if they could, cause i've read it so many times, i just probly keep missing them :p .
    Thanks for the feedback.
     
  6. #6
    saunderitos

    saunderitos Banned

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    dude its awesome.

    Reminds me of the book Ringworld,but towards the end I was thinking about corrupted political leaders again :eek: It's inspired me to write another anti-bush/blair song,thankyou ^^


    like I said,its awesome
     
  7. #7
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    Thanks saunderitos ;)
     
  8. #8
    Arhaz

    Arhaz ...waiting. LPA Super Member

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    it's good...but i extremely loved the story. it's great....it's a great great story. beautiful and remarkable. excellent and flawless. this is more of the prose poetry, i guess?....the "four" reminded me of Fantastic Four...lol. great great great piece. your poetry skills were pulled down a bit, but it ain't no joke writing such a long poem and such a great story. perfection is boring...lol
     
  9. #9
    Linja

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

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    All right, I'm here to point out the errors... About them, I'm not sure.. Maybe you meant it to be that way.

    There was exactly four born this way,
    Locked and hidden away,
    Each slightly different,
    But still mostly the same,
    But one felt hate, stronger than all else,
    The others heart, was filled with distrust,
    The third felt greed, the need to have more,
    While the fourth remained quite but longed for death above all.

    So they all drew up their plans,
    So cunning a deceitful,
    Ready to put and end to a race,
    In which they could never exist,
    So they embedded a seed,
    In the heart of all their people,
    Which would corrupt them all,
    Make them puppets for them to master.

    And all of them were griped by a cold hand,
    And The Four’s evil broke there souls,
    And even though they fought,
    All their old memories were drowned,
    Their plan was too perfect,
    They lost who they were,
    And those who resisted,
    Were slaughtered where they stood.

    And the word they once loved,
    Was slowly torn apart,
    Creating towers from wood, metal and stone,
    A place where they could gain safety and call home,
    And slowly they destroyed what was around them,
    As the 4 intended,
    They were being eaten away from the inside,
    But this they could not see this. (But this they could not see? But they could not see this?)

    For they had become as blind and numb as their creators,
    They were slowly punishing themselves,
    And generation after generation,
    Corruption only became embedded deeper in their hearts,
    For what they saw as progress,
    The Four new would lead to ruin,
    For they were not leading their own life,
    But a life so carefully planned out.


    Otherwise, this was great. One of my favourites.
     
  10. #10
    D_A_V_I_D

    D_A_V_I_D Pure Pwnage

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    Thanks torn rose for that,

    And i know it's not my best piece poetry wise, i really want to smooth it out a bit more, but when i finished it, i didn't know how much time i would get to do this, so i thought i would just post it a bit rough, that way i could get feedback and fix it up. Hopefully i'll get time soon.
     
  11. #11
    lp_sk8ergurl

    lp_sk8ergurl Well-Known Member

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    Your writing is always entertaining.
     

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