Got Something You Want To Let Out?

There is no why to how I feel. It's just always been there.

There's never been a point where I've ever been proud of myself. I'm a pessimist, I always find something wrong. When I hang out with my friends I feel horrible because they're so good to me but I feel like I haven't done anything in return. I don't think I deserve such great people around me.

I probably have the worst self-image ever. Sometimes I'm just disgusted with who I am. Every little flaw, everything I can't do, people I can't please and even things I do fairly well I can find something wrong and feel like shit all over again.

I remember as a young kid doing something at a friend's house that was the wrong thing to do (I don't remember what it was at the moment), and feeling so bad about it that I ran away. I felt like I wasn't deserving of anything that I had and just ran. I probably got 10 miles away before they found me.

I have a thing about pain. When I was in elementary/middle school, I had a thing about injuring my body because of something. The walls of my school were soon used to injure heads, hands when I punched, etc. But I stopped, mostly because I'm a wimp who can't stand pain (I have a low pain threshold), but it still intrigues me and once in a while I will do something stupid to cause pain on myself.

I've tried the suicide route, too. Just the fact that I was stupid enough to do so back then makes me hate how stupid I am more. But I agree with my actions on a certain level... I don't think I'm deserving of this life, but on the other hand, I would be letting down my friends and family because of it, which makes me a total wimp.

That's the main reason why I haven't been in many relationships, I think. In my mind, I'm always thinking 'there's no way she'd go out with me, there are so many better people out there.' Not to mention I don't have the confidence in myself to go up and tell her straight up what's going on.

I don't know. I just kind of... hate myself.

Always have.

 

this is just perfect. my ex 'loves' me. she likes me (i like her back though so... that's not a bad thing at all) and now it turns out one of my good mates likes me too. could this get anymore difficult? (not with her. everything is good with her. well. not perfect. we like eachother but she's all the way over there and i'm all the way over here. that's really the only bad thing about it.)

 

We are alike..in some ways.

But I have to say, you're worser then me. And there's no need for that.
You're a great person as far as I know you.
I guess you can't change the way how much of a perfectionist you are. But you can make it less worse for yourself. I've been like you, always noticing the bad things in your actions and not seeing the good things you've done.
What you need to do is making this list. Write all the things up you think you've done bad, think about them for a moment and then try to find a thing in your bad action that was actually good. Meaning, make the negative a positive. Yeah I don't want to sound like a therapist. But my therapist of a few years back adviced me to do that, and I did it and I thought it was pointless. But now I notice how much it actually did help me out. You just have to hang on to it.

And give me one good reason why you don't deserve this life. Because you're dissapointed in yourself?
You can change that, even if it has been with you since you remember, all you need to do is just taking the first step to improval (sp?).
And I know that it sounds so easy but it's so hard to do, because you're already used to this feeling inside of you and somehow you don't want to change all of sudden. It's like you're tired of your own thoughts, feelings etc, but at the same time, you don't have the strength to fix yourself up. ...Am I right?

Hold your head up high and don't give a shit about what others might think of you. Think about all the good points in your personality. And I know nobody's perfect, but every human has some good points in their personality. And I'm sorry if I'm a bit of a shitty advicer, but hey, I try. :hugz:

 

I hate my parents sometimes. They don't understand me. My mom and dad are making me go to Myrtle Beach tomorrow. Yes I know...I'm spoiled and selfish and most people would give up anything to go to Myrtle Beach for over a week. It just that my mom and I are leaving early and going down 4 days ahead of my dad. My mom and I don't get along. She doesn't approve of my friends, music, or clothes. She says that she thinks that I love my friends more than my parents. Which isn't totally true. I do love some of my friends more than her. I love my dad more though and I hate feeling that way. My mom doesn't belive that I would rather stay here in our small town and West Virginia than go to the beach. She thinks that i've become addicted to internet and blames everything on my boyfriend... "That hoodlum friend of your's, Chris"(that's her quote). She refuses to call him my boyfriend. I'd give anything just to stay here and go to summer dance class and go to Charleston with my dance teacher. My parents get mad at me for wanting to spend more time with her than them. I'd rather live with her and I love being at the studio and teaching classes and creating dances. My parents will never understand that.

 

Well I thank you for trying. :hugz:

I'm going to try that list thing. Who knows. Maybe it'll work this time around.

Again, thanks.

 

I saw a very beautiful girl in my bus today. I swear, she's so gorgeous.

Minus: I hope the list thing will work out. I'm sure you will first think it's bullshit, but it's really not. So yeah, hope it works and no problem.

 

I still love my ex, but my new friend is falling in love with me, and I hate to lead him on.

Like, I'd definatley go out with my new friend because he's absolutley perfect, but...I still love my ex.

 

I can relate to you, to an extent. You are a really likeable person though, if that's any consolation coming from me.

 

Why can women never accept the fact that they're very simple minded, and that they will never, ever understand men? *sigh*

 

I seriously can't believe you just said that. For fuck sake .

 

What. The. Fuck.

That's just... no.

 

I kinda agree with him. Women aren't simple minded, but they won't ever understand us, and vice versa.

 

Well that's true, but the whole simple-minded thing is just screwy.

 

It's his opinion.

 

That may be the most sexist comment I've ever read.

You don't understand us, we don't understand you. OH WELL. But SIMPLE-MINDED.

Excuse me?

 

If that's the most sexist thing you've ever seen, boy do you lead a sheltered life.

 

I can relate to you in a lot of ways. My parents were like that throughout my mid/late teens and then I got the fuck out of their house.

 

I cant think of anything but religion and drugs right now...

How weird.

 

Damnit. This Mormon girl really likes me. First off, it's not mutual. And even if it was, she's MORMON. I'm not. That alone should make her LEAVE ME ALONE. Damn, woman.