Got Something You Want To Let Out?

Discussion in 'Serious Chat' started by Mechanical Christ, Aug 25, 2004.

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  1. Friskey™

    Friskey™ LPA Super Member LPA Addict

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    God damn her, it seems that everytime I'm close to finally having Angie out for good, it sends a message proclaiming her to say something to me to keep her in there.
     
  2. Amanda

    Amanda RIP Chester LPA Super VIP

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    I'm beyond pathetic.

    The last week or so I've been stuck in a metaphoric dark hole with nothing except my own miserable thoughts. It's like nothing's going right for me lately. I've been getting "beaten up" a lot more since my nerdyness got declared after the last marking period, my home life isn't exactly going perfectly and I've been told that I'm "disgusting" and "will never get a guy".

    As some of you may or may not know, I'm 14 and I've never had a boyfriend. Not that I really have any use for one seeing as I'm too scared to do ANYTHNG with a guy. (There's a reason but I won't go into backstory) But it's all just so frustrating. This may sound dumb but I want someone to love me, who isn't family or 'just friends'. I want to be able to be with someone for once in my life. I want something tangible. I've never experience this and it's driving me MAD. A song came up on shuffle today and the lyrics actually made me start crying.

    We all have our days
    When nothing goes as planned
    Not a soul in the world
    Seems to understand
    And for someone to talk to
    You'd give anything
    Well go on and cry out loud
    'Cause someone's listenin'


    I feel so, I don't even know how to describe it. Depressed? Frustrated? Angry?
    --
    I've had 3 'episodes' in the past week. Episode, meaning I've been in my room listening to music and crying about nothing. I fucking hate it because it makes me feel weak and pathetic. It goes against everything I stand for. I just can't take it anymore.

    Ugh this is all so extremely aggrivating. I just wish that I could live my life the way I dream that I could. Accept myself, be accepted, find love.

    But these days it seems like I'll never be able to have any of that.
     
  3. Theazninvasion68

    Theazninvasion68 It's like blood to a vampire, our tragic desire. LPA Super VIP

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    Aww, dont get that down talk to me. I get that same thing kinda, " You'll never get a girl" and that other bullshit. Yea, those lyrics are pretty sadding. but dont be scared to do anything with a guy, Most guys would accept anything you do if they really do love you. Yea, sometimes were confused with our emotions and dont know what to call it. Just because you had some 'episodes' doesnt mean your weak, it just means you think too much into your thoughts. I belive your strong, you shouldnt be crying like this. And yea, isnt it really hard to desperately want something, but denied it? If you accept yourself, and you convice that you convince your friends to accept you, and also the people you like, maybe it might turn out the way you wanted it.
     
  4. Branden

    Branden hey! LPA Super Member

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    Amanda, regarding the boyfriend thing, trust me, things change. I remember just a month ago, I felt pretty much the same way you did, love-wise. But then I met someone that makes me happy beyond belief, and apparently I make her happy also. It feels wonderful, and these past few days have basically been like a movie. So, even though you may never see yourself with a boyfriend, surely don't give up hope. And I know it sounds cheesy, but it's definitely worth the wait. We haven't even kissed, or said "I love you" yet, but it's definitely worth the wait already.

    The rest of your problems, I'm not sure what to tell you. Apparently guys aren't as catty as girls, or at least those around here, so I haven't had problems that way. There were family problems here, but that was a few years ago. I guess just... don't get too down. Wow, I'm possibly the worst advice-giver ever. Now I leave this thread never to repeat this again.
     
  5. Louis

    Louis Message me if you need to talk. We love you all. LPA Team

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    I have been absolutely miserable.

    Nothing big seems to be going wrong. But I swear, these past few days, I've spent too much time comtemplating killing myself.

    What's wrong with me?
     
  6. Amanda

    Amanda RIP Chester LPA Super VIP

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    Thanks you guys.

    It's nice to know that someone actually gives a flying fuck.
     
  7. Theazninvasion68

    Theazninvasion68 It's like blood to a vampire, our tragic desire. LPA Super VIP

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    :lol: with guys like branden, Smashpilot, me, and of course, Tomi :p ( and yes, Other LPA members like derek), do care for ya.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2005
  8. Canadian Joe

    Canadian Joe Bacon strips LPA Super VIP

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    Add me to that list.

    :hug:
     
  9. Darcy

    Darcy LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

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    *hugs* I loovvveee you Amanda!!

    (In a non-creepy way)


    Completely unrelated:
    Today was a really long day...but everything is back how it used to be. It was really upsetting to go through, but now I can be happy about it.
     
  10. Glenn

    Glenn Super Member LPA Super Member

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    Heh

    Hah...I forgot how much school dances suck!
     
  11. Canadian Joe

    Canadian Joe Bacon strips LPA Super VIP

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    Hence why I don't go to 'em. Hell, I never went because I never had any friends in school, I'd just end up sitting in the corner...
     
  12. Evan™

    Evan™ HI! I'm Randy, I'm a Bandicoot Über Member

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    haha join the club...im used to it though, being the loner and all...ahh well, surprises me that i could get a girl that day...
     
  13. Will

    Will bread crumbs & white stones LPA Addicted VIP

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    I'm so glad that he's so glad that I'm "not going to be living with" them because he'd "totally kick my ass." What a fucking asshole and an arrogant mother fucker. I hope that everyone else bitches at him.
     
  14. Louis

    Louis Message me if you need to talk. We love you all. LPA Team

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    Today was a waste of a day. I didn't really do much. I sat at home most of the time. I cleaned up my room and listened to music. But I didn't do anything of much significance. I would have liked to have made plans with friends, or get out of the house. Unfortunately, that wasn't possible. Everybody had work to do, including me. I had to do a lot of problems in the Mid-term Review packet I got in Geometry.

    The past two weekends (not including this one) were great. I went to birthday parties and hung out with friends. But this one was a dead weekend. I did nothing of any major significance. If anything, I saw a baby mush up his birthday cake and make a mess. That's about it. Not much else. I had some good conversations with a friend of mine, but that's not much.

    I hate dead weekends. I barely had any work to do, and I couldn't make the best of my time. Saturday was obviously not under my control. Today, I could have done something. But I just sat around, feeling that even if I called up a friend and made plans, I wouldn't enjoy myself. It's weird. Everytime I'm around friends, I enjoy myself. But then again, I don't. I feel like I could be doing something better. I could be spending my time with someone more important, or I could be spending my time with myself, trying to sort my thoughts.

    I say I hate my friends, but I don't. I mean, a majority of them are plain idiots. I could point out many flaws about them. But they're all I have. They're the only people who can make me laugh. And sometimes, the only people who are willing to hang out with me and have a good time with me. Sure, there are moments when I wish I never knew them, but they're great people.

    I'm a mess. I have so many mixed emotions about everything nowadays. Sometimes, I look forward to going to school because I see my friends. I look forward to getting work done. But then again, in my mind, I'm like a little 3rd grader who says school sucks. I love my friends and I hate them. I spend my time doing things that end up wasting my time. Sometimes, as much as I may be of help to somebody, I feel useless. I am a mess. Is there a simpler way to say it?

    Everytime I go out into public, I hate the feeling of people looking at me. I always feel embarrassed to be in public. I walk around, and when somebody may randomly look at me, I become embarrassed. I try to walk in a different direction and avoid eye contact with anybody. I try to hide myself from everyday life.

    It's like I hate myself, but I don't. There are some things about me which I am proud of. But then again, I hate everything about me. I always feel that everybody is better than me. I'm the person who's dragged along just so that the teams are even. I'm the person who's dragged along just so someone can do something. I feel so insignificant that it's literally affecting my everyday life. Now, a person who I, at one point, considered to be a friend, hates me because of how I acted at a dance. No, that wasn't acting. That was truth. I sat there, depressed, looking at how everybody was enjoying themselves. How people danced, and how they didn't care that people may have been looking out how stupid they looked. They were care-free. I sat there thinking of all the things that could have made my night better. And hell, only one thing could have made my night better. But she wasn't there. And because of me feeling so lonely and insignificant on that day, another person hates me.

    For a few weeks now, I've been considering taking a long break from the computer, and from friends. I need time to sort out my thoughts. I don't like feeling insignificant. I don't like feeling like the mistake. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I can't enjoy life. If I have to depend on her for happiness, then something is wrong with me. If I have to depend on her to cheer me up and make me feel better, then there is something wrong with me. I am willing to take this break from public life. I could never start over, but I could definitely fix things I can't fix now.

    But I'm still not sure whether I am actually going to take this break. There's too much on the line. It seems that most of the time, my only means of communication with her are through instant messaging. If I don't talk to her for more than one day, I become nerve-racked. I become edgy. I have this feeling of frustration and deprivation. By doing this, I can help myself, but then again become so frustrated that it wouldn't have even been worth it.

    Boy, I am a mess. How the hell am I going to survive the pressures of high school? I can't even survive the pressure of a few math problems. I whine about having homework sometimes. I'm so lazy and so intent on having no work that homework, as little as it is sometimes, has become an absolutely frustrating nuisance. In high school, I won't be able to finish homework in school. I won't be able to sleep because of marching band. I won't be able to live through it all. I'm not tough enough for it. I'm not ready.

    I want to apologize to all of you for any grief I may have caused you. There are some things that I do that I know bother you all. Please forgive me. I want to change this. And I'm trying so hard to fix all of this. I'm sorry.

    I hope all of you have a better week than I do. You all deserve a good one.

    Good night.
     
  15. Derek

    Derek LPAssociation.com Administrator LPA Administrator

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    Something just hit me like a ton of bricks as I was lying awake thinking last night and it really pisses me off. You see, back in Early October I started talking to my old friend Ailean again, and around that same time my dad decided to sell him a van for how much we paid for it. Of course this van was Ail's official "band van" and an extraordinary good deal for how much mileage he was gonna get out of the thing.

    The price tag on this van was about 175.00, and it was understood that he didn't have to pay that all on the spot (but expected that he gets the rest pretty quick). For reasons unknown to me, my dad was pretty nice and..basically let Ailean drive off the lot with the van for free. Now this kid kept in contact at first, but as time went on he stopped calling me and came online a lot less, and only paid 35 dollars of the balance.

    What pisses me off is that the last time we hung out (aka the first time he paid) was back in the beginning of November. We have not really talked nor stayed in contact much over the past month, and he still owes my father about 140.00. Making matters worse, Ailean couldn't get it off the lot the first day so my dad gave him a NINETY DOLLAR battery that was made for a boat (meaning too powerful for the van) to use in his van. This wasn't given to him as a gift but more as a loan, assuming Ailean would buy a new battery within a few days for cheap. My dad has STILL not received the battery back to this date. I mean my dad even used his credit card to pay for the first month of it's insurance cause Ailean was supposed to be my friend.

    I realize its only been a month and that Ailean got a full time job which means less time online, but this entire thing pisses me off. He was able to buy a newer mustang from his friend, for more than my dad's van, yet he can't pay the remainding balance to my dad? And now he's like missing in action..which almost feels like he's avoiding me, to avoid paying the rest of this balance.

    We should've never sold this van to him so quick after we were only talking again for a month (after a 5 year silence) and I need your help.

    I don't know whether to call him and try to remain unconfrontational but complain to him, write him a myspace message and complain or whatever. All I know is that my dad seems to have forgotten all about it, and I'm not going to let my dad get robbed by this kid.
     
  16. Amanda

    Amanda RIP Chester LPA Super VIP

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    Derek,

    You have to take it up with him. Letting him off the hook will never teach him anything.

    Just don't do it over myspace. That's kinda cheesy. :lol:
     
  17. Intergalactic Christ

    Intergalactic Christ Blood On Ice LPA VIP

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    Don't let anybody mess your family around, Derek...

    ... and if I find the twat that went up to my brother and smacked him across the forehead, for no reason, they will have a lot more injuries to nurse than a bruised forehead.

    Seriously, why do people do that? He wasn't doing anything wrong. It's this whole "Happy Slapping" thing. If you find amusement in slapping 10 year olds, there is something really wrong with you. Cowardice. If you're going to hit somebody, at least make sure they're bigger than you (so they can damn well sort you out), able to fight back and they can see you. Pure, fucking cowardice.
     
  18. Holiday

    Holiday Married and on a life-long adventure! LPA Super VIP

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    my ex came back into town...now he wants to beat up my best friend's bf....

    he's never told me why we broke up ON our 1 year anniversary, but I bet you me misses me and is loney. fuck that guy. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......

    I seriously dont' need that shit. I told him how busy I was and he sd: "You always have time for Brian." Talking about himself in the third person. Wtfever man!

    he is so jealous. Who I do things with AFTER HE BROKE UP WITH ME is MY business. he is a racist, looser, pot head. GRR!!!
     
  19. Linja

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

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    :hug: Don't worry about him, sweetie. If you do, you'll just end up getting angrier and more frustrated. He's just being an insensitive prick. But why does he want to beat up your best friend's boyfriend?

    ---

    It only took one day to change my feelings about school. Before I re-entered, I was (mostly) optimistic about it, and was actually looking forward to going. That was when I was going to re-enter in January. As it happens, today my parents had a meeting with my new headmaster, and they've agreed to let me in next week. This makes me very nervous. I had few problems in my last school, I was smart but popular, and quite happy with all the arrangements. But to be honest, I'm scared shitless about my new school. Apparently it's one of the most prestigious schools in the city, and there's a high level of studying. I can't just up and leave if I don't like it because this is the only school that offers two years of IB in English, and I need that if I want to go to Ivy League, or even abroad. But before these two years in English, everything else is in Russian. My Russian is at the most, intermediate, and I still mess up, so I'm pretty sure that I won't be able to do anything.
    I shouldn't be this worried, really, because my parents and the headmaster have arranged for me to have a diferent homework schedule, and even for me not to take any exams in my first year. I'm a natural nerd, so I can catch up fairly quickly, but the social aspect also worries me. I freak out just thinking about that. I can't see any reasons for people to even tolerate me, other than like me, and I'm worried that I'll have no friends at all. I can make do with one good friend, because that's really all I need, but it scares me to be so alone at school when everyone else is in groups. The possibility that I'll just be that kid who sits alone and does everything by herself terrifies me. When I look at all the teens my age, they're tiny, delicate little things, and I can't help but think that I'm an ogre compared to them. I will be able to keep on dressing the way I do, since the uniform is only a maroon sleeveless sweater, but I don't know about makeup.
    I'm just completely clueless as to what I'm going to do. In the beginning, it was either get into this school, or go to boarding school. I really want to go to boarding school, but now that I've been accepted, that's out of the question. It seems a stupid thing to get upset over, or worry about, but I'm terrified about it all.
     
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2005
  20. Holiday

    Holiday Married and on a life-long adventure! LPA Super VIP

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    becuase of some permiscuity(sp?) on my part. lol. but I really love my best friend. she is great. she just happens to have a bf..........so you know, he gets involved. and for some reason, Brian believes that this was while he was going out with me, but he hadn't been g/o w/ me for over a month...wich is a long time to have your heart crushed. I think he still thinks of me is his...and I lost my virginity to him. so yeah...its all weird. and I still have thises weird, horrible, not good feelings about the whole thing. I thought they were all straightened out, but then he called and I was good...but then I thought and thought and thought, and now they arn't so good.
    The break up w/ him really really really killed me. I'm surprised...as well as ALL of my friends, how well I handled the whole horrible ordeal.
    he wants to h/o w/ me. and that will either make me HATE him, make me remember, or worst of all, both!...that is what I'm afraid of. >_<


    --
    Oh, honey, it will be ok. the whole new school thing is really scary and all of that, but I'm sure that you'll do great! You're bright, friendly, and really smart. :p You're an amazing person all around and I don't see how you could not have friends and do great! :hug:
     
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